The Pact And A New Number

Please ignore my ugly feet D:

Today I weigh 49.8 kgs! That`s a new low weight that I haven´t seen for about a year.
I´m alone in the city, since my aunt had her baby and will be back until next monday afternoon. The problem is that I don´t have enough money for food, so I just have what`s in the fridge (2 eggs, 5 sausages, 7 tortillas and a piece of cheese). Those have to last me until friday, the day I go back home. If I´m weighing at this number, who knows how much I'll weigh on Saturday.
My friend Zara (not my cousin!) whom I haven't seen in 2 and a half years was videochatting with me last week. We are so much alike! I have finally realized that she is my true best friend. I thought I would never be able to say I had a friend with whom I could talk about everything, but this is the case. She knows about this blog, and my goal, weight-wise. She decided on making a pact since she also wants to lose a few pounds. The pact is to lose as much weight as we can until October 30th. Whoever loses more weight, wins. We haven't established the prize, but that's beside the point. What we want is a beautiful body. I've been helping her when she feels like she's about to reach for the cake. She took the boiled Hibiscus yesterday with my tutorage and says she's going to take it tomorrow as well. It feels so great to be able to talk to someone about this!
Many thanks to Calla Lily for saying such sweet words on my last post! <3 Height wise, I actually have no idea how tall I am xD The last time I measured was in middle school, but guided by my friend's height, I think I'm about 162 centimeters. Yeah, I'm short xD.

I hope to reach my goal weight by friday! Wish me luck C:

*Roxie Rice*

Plateau Broken :D

I'm weighing today at 50.3 kgs! I've broken my 51kg plateau that had been bitching around for many, many months. I guess it's because I've been excercising...
That's why I'm going to start doing excercise everyday again. Well, at least when I can. My aunt had her baby and she's not coming home until Monday. The binge urge is so prominent right now, but I'll do my best to not give in.

Love & Cupcakes,
Roxie Rice

I Fainted In Front Of My Mom

Something I've been saying recently.

Well, almost. If my mom wouldn't have been there, I probably would have fainted. Then again, if she hadn't been there, I doubt I'd have been excercising that day.
I've lost 6 steady pounds in the last month, product of one meal a day (huge, mind you) but with no physical excercise. On Saturday though, I felt like excercising with my mom for the first time, just to see if she could handle one of my workouts.
She said yes, and we began to excercise. Now, because my mom was there, I guess I wanted to prove myself (?) and so I was not fucking going to stop... at all.
25 minutes into the workout, I just felt I couldn't keep going (which is totally wierd, since I'v
e been eating more than when I used to do comando-style workouts) so I stopped, and began to take a breather.
The only other time I almost fainted was when I got the tetanus shot in 6th grade, but apart from that, none. Well, maybe, if you count hyperventilating after looking at my 55kg self in the mirror a year ago.
But anywhore, this time I began getting dark visión at the edges and I knew I was going to faint if I didn't do something. I thought it would just be a grey-out, you know, so I just kept silent and waited for it to pass. In waiting, my mom glanced up at me and asked me what was wrong. I told her I was feeling bad and she just nodded off suspiciously. Then, when my visión was seconds away from becoming completely black, I told my mom I felt faint. She glanced at me again and looked really alarmed.
"You're so pale! Your lips are blue!"
I was just fucking nodding, not fucking understanding shit because of my condition, so my mom made me a remedy while I gasped for air. (Is that a common symptom of fainting? I'm not sure...) I thought I was going to die, for realz. This was the last the world would see of Roxie... And so then I  kept telling her I was feeling really bad but I couldn't hear myself! Everything I said, I couldn't hear it. That just made me even more scared.
Mom finally made me put my head below my waist and that got me alive... somewhat. Once I pulled my head back up, I began to feel faint again.
To make a long story short, I recovered and my mom told me to take a shower. Then today, in the bus to go to college, I half tripped and while I was sort of crouching (?) almost touching the bus floor, I couldn't fucking get up! It took all my energy for that short spurt to get up to standing position and stop being all awkward looking like a bird or sumthing.
Barely a few minutes ago, I felt like passing out in front of my uncle, and I was only doing my homework! WTF is wrong with me? I've eaten wayyy less and never been faint. Now my body wants to give up? Fuck no!

Today's weight: 51.3kg (Late afternoon weight, after eating a huge bowl of food)

A Secret Trip To The Scale And Bruised Ribs

Morning came, I silently tip-toed to the restroom, passing my sleeping aunt, and closed the door shut behind me. The moment had come. Clothes off, I placed my feet aboard the clear, smooth glass and saw the numbers move up. 51.1, the scale finally read.
I'm down 0.3 from the last blog post. It isn't much, I know, but considering how I've been eating these days, it's actually surprising. Any loss is welcome :D
Yesterday I had bruises on my ribs and they hurt every time I touched them. It must be how I'm sleeping these days. Note to self: sleep on my back, not on my sides. I also haven't had breakfast yet, even though I'm actually getting hungry. Maybe a banana will do.
I'm seeing my mom again today and we're going to chill out and watch romantic comedies until Tuesday, when I'll have to come back to college. Damn teachers. You just get 2 more days without school and they get crazy about homework. Good thing I've finished half of them yesterday, so I won't be wasting free time.
I don't know how other bloggers do it. They can write and write and write a post, while I instantly forget what I was going to talk about. Oh well, I hope you guys have an amazing weekend! Don't binge too much! ;D

I Looked At My Naked Back Through The Mirror, And Saw My Ribcage

Today I weigh 51.4 kg (I weighed 51 on Friday). Down 0.4 from last blog post. Hurray?

Anyways, since wearing clothes on the scale is totally unreliable, I've been weighing right before taking a shower... when I'm completely naked. This method is completely trusting and I actually feel victorious after I see the number on the scale.
I almost grabbed a cup of milk and ate some cooki
So, while I was completely naked on my bathroom floor, the mirror grabbed my attention (like every single day) and so, I turned around, inspecting my body and all it's flabbiness. Surprisingly, when I turned and stretched my arm out, plenty fierce little lines stood out from my back.
What can I say? I was ecstatic!
Of course, you shouldn't count your chickens before they hatch. It was just a pleasant experience, is all.
I'm going back home Friday afternoon and returning Tuesday, since school is out for a national holiday. Speaking about school, exams are here. I'm having my Management test tomorrow, as a matter of fact. I just can't wait for the stress to be over! Well, at least it's helping me in not wanting to eat much. I just need to breathe, and focus on my goals. It'll all be over soon.

Hello new readers! If you have a blog, please post the link in the comments! I really need some new reading material :D

I Hate Those Nights Of Constant Crying...

... when all you can think about is what the good thing about you is.
I'm not pretty, nor smart and much less have an enviable body. What am I good at?
Nothing, I say.
Then what the hell am I doing in this world?
I recognize this depression and I'm scared. Last time this happened I began to plan something very, very bad. Thankfully, I have absolutely no plans of offing myself in the near future.
Life is the only thing I have, and I should make the most of it. even if I constantly hate myself in the mirror every day.

Today's weight is:  51.8
Down: 0.9 from last blog post.

First Day Of College

52.7

Today was my first day at College, and I still don't feel ready to actually even be there. I still feel I'm the most inexperienced and the dumbest person there. My self-esteem is where it always has been and this has caused an extreme loss in appetite. Woop-de-doo!

My Aunt and Uncle were trying to make me eat, but I told them I really wasn't hungry. They said they were going to tell my mom.

"If you don't eat this week, I'm going to tell your mom..."

"I'm just a little sad, is all, aunt. It's nothing serious..."

The number at the top of the entry is my weight today. Tomorrow I will write down the next number on the scale.



The Fear Of Reality

My brother tried to commit suicide a few weeks ago. My best guy friend cut most of his thighs and almost jumped out his balcony from depression. There are blogs I follow that haven't been updated for quite some time now. What happened to those bloggers?
I try not to think about the sad things. Maybe if I ignore everything and smile, Life can be much more beautiful.

I was accepted in my college and I start classes on Monday. My aunt has graciously welcomed me into her home, a few minutes from the campus, until I can find my own place. Even with that load off my shoulder, I still can't stop worrying about money.
I have a fear of reality. I just wish everything had just stayed the way it was when I was in middle school. But sadly, there is no going back. There is only acceptance of what is and coping to the best of your abilities.
I'm 18 years old already, and I wish I had frozen at 16. Responsibility and Maturity are needed already.
Weight wise I'm doing bad okay. I still weigh 52.5 kgs but I'm not stressing about it as much as I used to. Of course, I still look into the mirror and sigh. 44 kg is still my goal weight.

I hate the way things are now. I want to have the willpower I had when I was 16, I want to stop living this reality and start living in my dreams. When you prefer to be asleep than awake, you know you have a problem.
I will be staying in the city 6 days a week, an hour away from my mom and only visiting on sundays. This is sort of to my advantage, weight wise, because my mom will not be there watching me eat but my aunt and uncle are the type of people to worry about others. I guess I will have to fake a stomachache or nausea to get out of eating. Another good thing is that they have a digital scale in the bathroom. :D

Get ready for an update on Monday afternoon, hopefully :D

Eating, Normally.

Yipee! I've graduated!
Whatever. I felt fat in my prom dress (which I probably did) and didn't go to a friend's graduation party because of it. On Wednesday I decided I didn't want to live my life controlled by food anymore. I decide to start eating normally. But after some years of severe dieting, I don't really know what that entails.
What is 'Eating Normally' exactly?

Even so, I broke down on Saturday. This happens sometimes, and usually triggers lots of self-harm. I look in the mirror and I hate what I see. It will never be enough.
I will continue with my plan, and see where that leads me. If it doesn't work, I don't know what
I'll do.

#StarvingInSuburbia

I fork food after food after food into my mouth without tasting. I'm under someone else's control and I just can't seem to resurface. There are two voices in my head, feeding me advice.

"Starving isn't healthy. Your body needs food to function properly... Wake up from the illusion you've chained your mind to. Eat."

And I do. But at the same time, another voice chimes in.

"You're going to be sad and fat if you keep on eating. Don't you remember how beautiful starvation feels like? You rise above everybody... you have power. You aren't even close to perfection, or beauty. You are ugly. Starve to be worthy enough."

They're playing a tug of war, and I don't know who to pay attention to.

I've got my prom dress already. Plus my shoes! Got 3 pairs for $40 bucks!
Has anyone seen ' Starving in Suburbia' ? I began to watch it and wanted to laugh. It's funny how people try to make eating disorder movies without much insight. They just base themselves on what other people (who just criticize) think. It was so bad.
People think that these sort of blogs just take ahold of 'normal' teenagers and turn them into anorexics. I've read blogs and they don't want wannarexics. It's a place for people to express themselves since they can't really talk to their relatives around them. It's a place for support and understanding. If you want to recover, we support you and wish you well. We hope that you succeed and find happiness in life. But if you need us, we'll be there.
I didn't finish watching it all (because it was so bad). It also got me sort of scared. 'Ana' was represented as a beautiful blonde girl with evil intentions and a sort of 'gang' or 'worshipers' that were basically emos. I was laughing throughout all the weird worshiping.

Changed the name of my blog. Yeah. 'Blue Ribbon Bracelet' is now 'Minty Mokaccino'.
:)

The Red Lines On My Wrist

It feels like forever since I've written here. My weight has gone up and down the same 6 pounds as always, and I felt too much of a failure to write down in this blog. Today I'm weighing in at 52.5 kgs (late afternoon weight) when I weighed 51.7 Friday night.
I hate my eyes. They see the same girl in the mirror even if the scale says otherwise. Will I ever be able to accept myself? Sometimes I just feel like giving up; I hate myself anyways, what's a few more pounds of hate to my body?  I always look fat. There isn't a time when I feel slim.
That's because you aren't.
Her voice has faded over the past 3 years and I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad one. I feel okay that the fear of food doesn't cause me to shake or make my heart beat accelerate anymore. I try to calm down and let the rational side of my brain think about my intake in a more normal way.
Prom is 8 days away, and I don't want to be fat. Actually, I don't really care about prom... just my birthday, which is 18 days away. I want to give the 15 year-old me the gift she's been waiting for 3 entire years. To be skinny. Why? because she deserves it.
I haven't seen my father in a year and a half, and now he's trying to lure me back into his life. I have no time for narcissistic people anymore. And I just can't take it. Can't he understand he needs to leave me alone? I'm tired of all the drama surrounding him and his deformed vision of the world.
Cutting seems to alleviate the pain sometimes. Other times, it's just a good form of discipline.

6 Pounds Down!

I am happy to announce that my weight today is 50.9 kgs! And that isn't even a morning weight. Food has become this sort of gross concoction in my mind, and if I'm not hungry, there isn't a reason for wanting it.  Let this keep up!
Anyways, tomorrow is our dance contest at the Cultural Festival and I have my 'costume' ready. We're dancing Safe and Sound and giving it a 60's feel. I'm the main dancer (yay!) but we still aren't very coordinated.

The Cultural Festival

The Cultural Festival in my High School begins on Monday. I've entered the dance competition with other girls from my class and this gay guy is teaching us a cool dance. Last year we won 3rd place after dancing a Madonna song. I have to tone my legs up before then because I'm wearing a skirt and we are not wearing pantyhose or anything.
So far I haven't gone to my grandma's to weigh myself, but I'm hoping to do that today or tomorrow in the afternoon. It's Day 3 of my diet and I don't feel so tired.
I did my Hibiscus tea detox on Monday afternoon, but I started falling asleep and nothing came out that night. When I woke up, it was a different story. School starts at 7:30am and that was when my stomach began to react. I could feel my intestines groaning during the first hours of my class, and I had no choice but to go to the school's bathroom. Luckily for me, no one was there to hear my poor intestines.
Next time I'll do it when I'm not going to school the next day.

Hippo-cryte

After a week of trying to eat 'normally' I have ballooned up to 54 kg... I think. I don't have a scale so there is no way of knowing for sure, but I can feel it's somewhere there.

I'm tired of feeling hate every single time I look in the mirror. I haven't full-out restricted because (as wierd as it sounds) I'm scared of fearing food, like I used to.
Yesterday I was close to a breakdown, but I stopped myself before my mom saw me.
I will not cry because of my weight ever again. I will act. Today was my last day of eating 'a normal range' of calories. Tomorrow will be a new day.

I got wasted on Saturday night with my uncle, his friends and my cousin May. She ended up vomiting in my grandma's toilet and then fell asleep on my uncles bed. Some guy was all giving me a lecture on drugs and how it's bad to do it... blah, blah, blah. That really got me out of the partying mood, and I stopped drinking then. The funny part was that at the end of the party, I went to say goodbye to the drug lecture guy but he was sooo wasted to acknowledge me. He was lecturing me on drugs, but there he was, almost falling off the balcony and slurring words out. I laughed internally once I went home. That's my last time listening to hipocrytes.
My family is having a mother's day BBQ today, well right now, actually as I write this. I have this cousin called 'Lizby' who's body looks exactly like mine when I was her age. It's such a reverse thispiration to be here, watching her. She's not fat, exactly, but she's normal.
Zara had rice only when we sat down on the dining table. She's a 'vegetarian'. I asked her why she was a vegetarian, and she just shrugged her shoulders and said, "Just because." I asked her mom and she said that it was because she wanted to be skinny. Now, Zara is skinny. She just has big hips and thighs because she's in puberty, and that's how her mom is as well.
I on the other hand, had 1 and a half plates of food. Can you say hippo?
May had 1 plate and said she was really full. I'm going to start dancing to lose those calories stupid old me consumed.
Tomorrow I begin my journey to the girl I want to be. I can't afford to be scared and fat anymore.
I'm sorry mom, if I become what you don't want me to be.

Jinx

Why do I need to hate myself more?

These past 3 days have been binge days, instead of the fasting I had in mind. I'm not even hungry but there is this... need to fill myself up until I feel horrible. Why do I do this?
My mom is going out tonight to rehearse for a gig on Saturday, so I'm going to take the time to detox and get rid of everything in my system. Then I'll fast thursday and friday to be able to get some sushi with May on Saturday. My family is having a birthday party for 3 of my aunts and uncles; the bad thing is that there'll be barbecue and booze. I'll try to refrain from everything as much as I can to get to my goal.

Zara told me I was getting skinnier.

A smile broke out inside me, but outside I acted indifferent. No one must find out about my plans and how tragically skinny I dream to be.