Jinx

Why do I need to hate myself more?

These past 3 days have been binge days, instead of the fasting I had in mind. I'm not even hungry but there is this... need to fill myself up until I feel horrible. Why do I do this?
My mom is going out tonight to rehearse for a gig on Saturday, so I'm going to take the time to detox and get rid of everything in my system. Then I'll fast thursday and friday to be able to get some sushi with May on Saturday. My family is having a birthday party for 3 of my aunts and uncles; the bad thing is that there'll be barbecue and booze. I'll try to refrain from everything as much as I can to get to my goal.

Zara told me I was getting skinnier.

A smile broke out inside me, but outside I acted indifferent. No one must find out about my plans and how tragically skinny I dream to be.

Trying To Measure Up

First day of school returning from spring break today.

I walked into the classroom and the first thing my friend, Lucy says to me is:
"What did you do to your hair?!? You've really dyed it like a slut this time!"

Not what you want to hear first after dying your hair... all different. That really brought me down from my cloud, but then again, I don't care about her opinion. Everyone else said it looked really cool. Plus, my brothers' friends were crazy about touching my hair :D
Anywho, onto the title of this post.
Why does it pain me whenever I hear that my cousin (the one that copies me alot) is skinny, or pretty or whatever? Why do I always hate it when people talk about her?
I went to the plaza with my cousin May on Saturday (which turned out to be an awesome night) and my aunt (Let's call her Cc) hadn't seen me for an entire week. Well, the next day, when my mom went to visit her and my grandma, my aunt told my mom to "Be careful, because Roxie is skinnier than when I saw her last." They know about my 'eating problems' (vaguely) because stupid me used to tell them how much weight I had lost that day. My mom told me this, and obviously I was damn happy.
Well today, my grandma was talking about my cousin (let's call her Zara) and that she had gotten skinnier. My brain instantly said,
"Fast. Fast for an entire week, Roxie. Let's see who's skinnier at the end." Which is messed up.
Not fasting, but because the reason Zara got skinnier wasn't because she wants to, but because her mom recently doesn't have any money to eat with.
Anyway, I guess another reason I hate her is because people confuse her with me. My grandma was walking with Zara to go to the doctor, and one of my mom's neighbors asked my mom why I (Roxie) was going with my grandma.

"Why the hell do people confuse her with me?"
"Well, you guys look alike... it's the genes."

She's taller than me. She has black long hair (dyed btw) down to her waist and she's whiter than me. I am a bit shorter than average and I haven't had black hair since I was 14.
I just wish I was skinnier than her.

Weight Today: 52.2 kgs

Must be all the f*cking alcohol I drank on Saturday. No worries. I'll get back to my 101 lb glory days, even though I didn't feel skinny then either. Going to buy Hibiscus while my mother is out singing because she's finding it suspicious.
Yay to no food for the rest few days!

Tip?

I forgot to tell you guys an excellent way of cleaning your sistem out!

Okay so, I went to the mini-market to pick up some groceries my mom sent me for, and the lady there (she's a friend of my mom so she loves to chit-chat) began talking to me about the diet her nutritionist had her on, blah, blah. I just smiled sweetly and encouraged her on her weight loss goal.
So then she gets really near me and says,¨
"I also found a really cool way of just... expelling everything from your intestines."
Just for the record, I have never taken a laxative or vomited (I can't vomit. I tried it but my body does not respond) so this new found information was quite incredibly useful to me.
"How?"
"Well you boil Hibiscus and drink it, like tea, only it has to be super condensed for it to work. It's going to taste really acidic, but you have to bear with it for some 30 minutes."
I was like, really?
So then I bought some and whamo! I was completely rinsed out. But it took about 2 hours and a half for it to work on me, so please do it when no one is around lol.
There you have it ladies, a natural laxative option for your binge days. You are welcome!

Hello 51. Are you here to stay?

Well, it's been a week already.
And I've maintained 51 kg. *sigh* Well, at least it's better than gaining, isn't it?
I was expecting 49 kg at least, but sadly, I binged two times in the past week. It wasn't out of hunger, of course, it was out of.... I don't know, need? A need to hate myself more?
But! Another thing- I've been doing insane leg excercises that hurt like a bitch once I finish them lol. I can feel my thighs bulking up a bit (gross. Not what I want really, but at least I'll burn more fat.) so my weight could be because of muscle mass.

This is me, Roxie Rice :)

Why are my thighs always so... big?
In other news, dyed my hair pink! I don't really like it because I was going for a pastel pink, and my hair turned out neon. People thought it looked nice, actually. I just cringe when I look at the mirror.
I'll post a picture here for a while.
It looks red, but I can assure you it's (or was, the color has already fallen out now, and it's mostly pink and orange) neon pink.
Remember I told you about my chubby 14 year-old cousin, Carol? Well, she stopped living at my grandma's and started living back with her mom and dad, and let me tell you! She's lost like 7kg! About 14 or 15 lbs in 3 weeks! She looks totally great now. She just needs to lose a bit more in her thigh and belly area.
Why do people fatten up when they live with my grandma? LOL She feeds you these huge breakfasts, lunches and dinners that leave your stomach super expanded. Another side effect is that you look pregnant from the first day of your visit. She means well, but it's just torture.
My cousin May and I are going to get wasted tomorrow night, since my mom is going to a wedding to sing. I hope I don't get the munchies or something and end up binging... ugh.
Damned mosquitos. They just can't get enough of me ;)
School starts on Monday and I'm already stressed. I have to study to take my college exam next month and high school finals are around the corner! It sucks so bad.
Well, I guess I'm off to read some more blogs. If anyone knows any Pro-Ana guy blogs, comment with the link, please!
Toodles!
(that was... a weird way of ending my post. Please forgive my sleepy brain.)

Watching The World Pass By

Hello lovelies!
I've finally moved into my new house, where food rules don't exist. Last week I embarked on the journey of a 7 day calorie-controlled diet, which, surprisingly (to me) I followed quite strictly.
I guess we all have that stage where we actually detest food and it also causes disgust (I've been reading other blogs) and that's where I've been.
Now, I don't know how much I've lost, but I'm sure I'm about at 50 or 51 kilos approximately since I don't have a scale at my new home. I came with my cousin, May, to my grandma's to weigh myself, but my uncle and aunt came over so they are currently all chatting it up and laughing like crazy right now. So, pushing the couch over and getting on the scale is an obvious no-no, but the desire is still there. Maybe... but no. No one would understand.
Anyhow, I am completely ready for a fast. Until when?
Well, I was thinking starting tomorrow until I can see bone. Food isn't causing me hunger recently. I've been doing the 'Refrigerator Dance' ever time I go to the kitchen. Nothing is appetizing.
It's a beautiful feeling, but I've gotten scared. I'm scared of going head-first into the eating disorder again, and letting it take complete control of me. But then, there's this voice that says, "That's a good thing, Rox. You can afford to lose all that fat." and "This isn't an eating disorder, it's just a way your body tells you you should finally get skinnier. It's trying to help you, duh."
Anyway, I'm paying attention to the voice and taking advantage of my appetite. I need to see the bones poking through my skin. I want to feel frail, tragic, skinny.
I think this decision to fast is because of yesterday. My aunt Susie came over my house to hang with my mom, and she didn't notice that I lost weight.
I'm going to keep going until people talk and gasp and comment on my complexion... I'm getting my hair dyed blonde, and then pink on Monday, so I need to be skinnier by then. I might post pictures, so stay tuned <3!
It's only one more week until school starts again, and I want to reach 48kg by then. Wish me luck!