Lover writes on Their Giggles and Innocence

Everyone was gone.
The house that had once been bustling around with screams of ecstatic teenagers and the low boom of the sound system were now silent. Various bottles of liquor and cups were scattered throughout the apartment, the bottles halfway through having been consumed. The finished bottles were neatly placed besides the sofa chairs in the living room, with the sole purpose of preventing accidents and focusing all attention on the newly opened liquor bottles.
It had been one second to the other that the house became empty. What was the reason for the guest's rapid leave?
The water faucet turned and released tap water onto used plates. The house was not alone, actually. A young man stood facing the sink, beginning his cleaning ritual, his eyes dropped, an effect of the alcohol.
A sweet giggle passed through the house. Apart from the man, a young girl was also in his home. She was one of the guests, but she hadn't gone home yet.
"Stop washing the dishes! Let's have fun over here!" She giggled with her eyes closed and her hands over her head, demonstrating her excitement.
The young man smiled in response. "Then who's going to wash these dishes?"
He pointed dramatically towards the sink and soapy water, over exaggerating.
The young girl held her hands higher and spun around, filling the apartment with her magical giggles. "Come on! I'll wash them later!"

Giggles and innocence.

No.

http://missaliequeen.tumblr.com/post/151568523856/i-am-not-hungry-i-dont-need-food-i-am-not

Happy Birthday... You're only getting old now.

 

I'm 19 years old as of yesterday, and I always feel (whenever it's my birthday) that I haven't accomplished anything in my life. This time, however, I don't have that sort of predicament. I feel completely devoid of emotions... I really didn't feel anything on my birthday yesterday.  I know I can't make time stop so I've accepted that the years will only keep rolling by.
At least I have accomplished things the past year: I started college, I started living without my mom (only with my aunt and uncle), I became more responsable and less whiny... and I sort of cured myself of my eating disorder.
During the time I didn't post anything here, I started to sort of unwind my mind from the eating thoughts. I did excercise, I ate whenever I needed to eat, I snacked whenever I needed a snack and I became a much more happy person. I tried not to see anything related to dieting or other tips and tricks on the internet so that my progress wouldn't reverse itself. I had a weak moment (once or twice) in which I found some blogs on my computer and I spent half a day reading it. I stopped because I started to feel frantic and... I don't know, I was falling down that hole again.
Because I focused less on my eating, I spent more time with my family and we got closer. I was happier and I had awesome abs! Had because ever since I started my first job almost 3 weeks ago, I moved back with my aunt and uncle and I don't have any space to excercise here. My current predicament is moving out of here as soon as possible since my aunt and uncle just bought a house and I guess I'm the only thing in their way.

An Uneventful Spring Break... somewhat.

The tension between us was becoming more than I could bear. 

His large hands gripped my  waist and steadied themselves slowly lower to rest at my hips. We stood there, my thighs held closely between his open legs as he pulled me even closer to his body. I let my hands roam his sturdy back.

I breathed him in... time continued to pass unbeknownst to us, our feelings seemed to swallow us whole and fill up the entire atmosphere. My mind was completely dulled to ways of thought. I didn't care where this would lead us... all I wanted was to experience this overwhelming feeling of excitement for longer, until the morning came and my mind began to exercise thought. Perhaps those first thoughts would be guilt and self loathing, having been no trace of true feelings involved, only animalistic urges rising to the surface, but instincts overwhelmed my conscious mind at the moment.

His chin met the end of my jawbone, grazing every inch of the skin there. Then I felt his breezy exhale tickle my ear.

"I want you..."

 The electric current that passed through me was something I had never felt before. I sensed his lips travel lower and felt him inhale the scent of my exposed neck. All conscious thoughts I might have still had dissipated at that moment and my senses overwhelmed me.

All I wanted... was him. 

53.2 Kgs. That's my number today. Spring break was just a way of letting shit hit the fan and throwing all consequence out the window. I had planned my spring break to be super productive, full of exercise and trips to the beach or pool with nice abs, but that wasn't the case.
Instead, I spent it reading on my bed or watching Sabrina The Teenage Witch on repeat. I'd have 3 meals a day even if I wasn't hungry. And when I contemplated doing exercise, I preferred to lounge around  because that wouldn't make me sweaty. All that time was wasted. At least I was having fun...
Anyways, I'm spending 2 weeks with my aunt  on very restricted food. I don't think I'll be able to do exercise here, but I won't stop trying! I plan to weigh at least 51.5 at the end of the week. Wish me luck!

 

  

 

 

Is anybody out there? 'Cause I don't see any new #entries :(

Where is everyone? It's been about 1-2 weeks since I last saw a new blog entry, FatPiggy and Calla haven't posted in 2 weeks - 1 month (almost!). I guess the whole 'writer's block' is affecting the majority of bloggers...
I've changed my goal weight. Instead of Reading 43 kilos like the past few years, it now reads 45. Woah...! Yeah... I know... doesn't seem like a whole huge change or anything, but I've finally come to realize that I will most likely never weigh within that number. Imagine, two or three years ago was when I wrote that number down, smiling to myself and visualizing myself in the future. I was 15 years old. No way am I the same size (height wise) as that girl. Maybe that's the reason why I look skinnier even though I weigh the same 51 kilos as that time. At this weight, I was a fat Little chipmunk-cheeks.
I haven't been thinking about my weight recently, because I don't want to get bummed out and stuff.
Spring Break is around the corner, people!
Woohooo!
\(^0^)/

No Food Next Week?

It's been nearly 24 hours since I last ate (2 more hours to go), and i don't feel even a tiny bit hungry. I did have some coffee in the morning, so I guess that could be why.
I haven't written in this blog because I went up and maintained 53 kgs for 2 months or so. I didn't see a need to write since I was a fatty mcfatterson. Anywhore, I'm aproximating a loss of 3-5kgs this coming week since my food is scarce and I didn't go back home this weekend. My uncle got sick and my aunt told me that until he got better we would be staying. Well, I could go if I wanted to, but I chose not to go. The pros are that I have time to study for my upcoming exams and lose weight like a boss, plus I don't waste money on transportation fees. I want to save that money to get my roots done. I also haven't been Reading blogs because I don't want to see how good other people are doing while I just eat.
The other day, As I was heading out to the crafts store, The window reflected my image and I nearly took a few steps back. I don't know if it was the tennis shoes or the pants, but my legs looked so skinny..! It was at that moment that I realized that what I saw was never what people saw. I might be fat in my eyes, but look sickly to someone else. I spent the rest of my way to and from the crafts store hiding my legs, afraid of stares people could give me. That is how I sometimes feel I'm getting better regarding my body image. Slowly, I start to open up to the other image the world has. Maybe I'm okay like this.... but then I don't fully open up to their picture. "I could look better if I was skinnier."

She whispered into my ear and I voluntarily shut myself off from humanity.

 

The following is a short story I made a while back, describing the struggles most of us with eating disorders have.

The monster unleashed itself after having been locked away for such a long time. The poor girl could only look through the bars of her cell, watching as the monster she had feared so much take control of everything that was once hers.

She sobbed and pleaded to be let out, but the abomination only turned its ugly head and smirked, all the while committing the sin it had waited anxiously for after being kept away. The cell shook vigorously as the tear-drenched girl tried every way possible to regain control. She screamed. She cried. She begged.

But the monster was not letting down just yet.

It turned around and walked back to the metal chamber, looking through the bars at her screaming victim. The dejected girl laid on the floor of the cell, covering her head as she sobbed in agony.

It gripped the fierce iron bars and sneered, enjoying how her young prey’s sorrow enveloped her mind.

“You honestly didn’t think you could keep me forever locked away?

I will fulfill my desire and watch as your face contorts in pain.

I am a part of you that will never go away,

And even as hard as you try to push me out,

I will remain.”

The child raised her head in anguish, and watched as the face of the monster slowly contorted into sinister smile.  It pulled away from the cold bars and laughed as it continued the ridiculous torture.

She pushed against the bars and let a hand through, outstretched. Thinking, all the while, she could convince it of relinquishing control.

“Stop this torment… Please!”

But the beast only kept on smiling, tearing her soul apart by the sin.

The child’s hand slowly regained its position at her side as her crying faded away into silence. It was a waste of time to argue; the monster had no intention of listening or stopping by any means.  That is, until it could ensure the young woman’s zealous guilt. She slid to the floor, knees supporting her body as her eyes observed the current scene before her.

Dainty hands grasped the cold rails separating her from her fear.

She understood now.

The girl could do nothing.

1 · 11 · 2014

 

 

She covered her eyes now. The cell was no longer a sturdy keepaway to trap her in; its door had become loose and now dangled from its hinges, creaking ever so slightly. There was no monster anymore, either. But the evidence of the reign lay there, scattered on the floor in obvious disarray.

Everything was silent.

Slowly, the child glanced up from her position on the cold, iron floor. Noticing there was no longer any fierce beast; she got up and walked to the broken cell door. Pushing it aside gently, the young girl bowed her head and passed out of the opening, looking around at the scenery for the first time.

A small hand clasped the owner’s mouth in shock.

“I.. didn’t… no…”

The girl fell to her knees and grabbed her head, unbelieving. Those gentle, doe eyes filled with tears and sad disbelief. She couldn’t grasp what she was seeing.

“No… Why…?”

Loud sobs filled the room which had once held silent air, and the girl crumbled in pain.

She had lost control again.

She was weak.

She was disgraceful.

The only other inhabitant of the room laughed lightly, making the distraught woman turn her head. There, in the once broken jail cell, was the thing she feared the most, now smiling and holding onto the restored iron rails.

It locked eyes with her fiercely, as it spat out its next words.

“Oh, my pretty. Crying, are we not?

You have gained control, and I have been stopped,

but don’t worry, my dear—

for I will never be gone.”

1.13.2014

 

She knew what it meant. In her head, in her heart, she would never be the only one.

The other girl, the other figure would always be in the places she had grown to love. She was nothing without this monster, and this monster was nothing without her.

When had it inhaled its first breath? When exactly had it whispered its first word in her mind? Slipping silently into the vacancy of her thoughts, polluting her soul and swallowing her heart whole. The girl hadn’t realized when exactly it had taken place.

The beast was such a conniving monster, twisting pure and innocent thoughts into wretched, painful beliefs… and the poor girl hadn’t even caught on until it had seeped into her heart, mind and soul, twisting and turning into them like a rose’s thorny stem, until it had eventually become a crucial part of them. As much as the beast lay subdued in the cold, iron cell, there was no chance it would ever disappear.

She would never know the feeling of true solitude.

Wherever she went, the beast would follow, mouth dripping with mal intent and the spiteful smile always in place, whispering and murmuring into the child’s ear. Would she lose control today? Would the cell doors open without warning? As much as the iron cell lay sturdy, the monster waited for control… for the exact moment where it could torture the girl’s mind and twist her heart whole, letting her experience the agony and exasperation of becoming trapped, being in a place in which you had no power over anything that happened. She would only watch.

The monster licked its lips, savoring every moment of the child’s negative emotions as if they were the most delicious delicacy around. She had no vote now. The beast lay within her, sharing the body it tortured and tormenting the mind and heart that she herself had made available without her immediate knowledge.

The young girl could feel the enjoyment in the monster before her. It was held in the iron cell, but the emotion rolled off in waves, mocking the poor girl in every which way.

The monster was locked away right in front of her eyes, yet she was the one that felt trapped.

12.28.14

 

Cute, Random and Interesting Images: Post One

 

 

I'm Not Giving Up, Yo.

God. I don't know what to write. What can I say? I feel like a fucking cow. Not only am I bloated 'cause I'm on my period, but these cheeks are no joke. I can mentally feel cellulite gathering on my thighs... Yeah, it's crazy but I'm just about ready to go on America's biggest loser. I feel like a 250lb obese person who can't stop eating cake.
It's been a fucking week since I arrived home, but my diet has yet to begin.
This morning I actually stopped and thought to myself, "Are you going to continue on as this fat fuck?".
I'm disgusted with food right now, but I don't know how long it's going to last. It will only be a few short hours before I open that refrigerator door and have the final slice of that birthday cake. I know this, but I have absolutely no control over my mouth any longer.
I was thinking of fasting tomorrow since my mom has a gig for almost the entire day... but I think I'll just rinse out my entire system with the Hibiscus Tea (Click here to a past post on how to make this!) and... yeah. Fuck this shit. I'm fasting tomorrow until my mom shoves a pancake into my mouth. I'll start with my last meal tonight and begin counting the hours. Hopefully I manage 30 or 35 hours. I'll fake meals even if my mom tells me to eat. Lemons and Coffee will become my best friends.

Talking about my mom, she just bought some diet pills from my aunt some... 3 days ago? Anyway, I don't know where the hell my aunt gets them (I guess you could say she 'knows people') because I have never fucking heard the majority of them and I doubt they are even listed on the internet. Plus, one was banned in the US? 4 years ago my mom used the one that had been banned and she became suuuper skinny. I guess she's had an effect on my body image.. anyways, the one she got this time was from African Mango(?) and I don't think it's working, because she's still hungry and stuff. The other one killed the taste of food, so she didn't feel tempted to eat anything. Just smoke. And drink coffee.
It's funny, because I overheard the convo with my aunt and I was all, "If you just wanna slim down, stop fucking eating fattening shit. It's gonna save us the cost of those pills plus the food you would be eating." And she's all, "The reason I want the pills is because I'm going to stop smoking, and if I stop smoking I'm going to start eating and gaining weight."
Yeah. sure.
She's been smoking more now than when she wasn't taking the pills. She just likes to humor me.
God. I saw myself in the mirror yesterday and my face is no longer V shaped. it's now like a U. Fucking chubby hamster cheeks.

A Collection Of Thinspo: Post One

 

Reverse thinspo? No need to look it up! Your family will do it for you!

A quick post before I go back home :)
I think I'm lying to myself regarding food. When my aunt and uncle leave to get some errands done, I sneak into the kitchen and grab something to eat. I hide it in my room and eat it secretly. Yesterday, I stopped as I ate a cookie and thought. From whom am I hiding from? My aunt and uncle won't think it's weird if I go to the kitchen to get a snack, so why am I sneaking around? The only person I'm harming is myself. Do I do this to somehow validate eating? I mean, I'm sneaking around so I must not be eating much... Am I hiding from myself?
The night before last I was on facebook, you know, just scrolling down to see what people had been up to... when I came across a new thanksgiving album one of my aunts (Who live in another country) had barely posted. Immediately, my eyes went to these pictures:

 

This is my cousin, Jackie, favorite niece of my aunt CC and Susie. They always go on and on about how beautiful she is and how much they miss her. Whatever. She used to kick me when we were sleeping. Bitch.
Anyways, as soon as I saw them *the pictures* I was all, oh my god. She has never ever been skinny, but she has known which way to turn when the camera is shooting her way, so she doesn't look fat. The first picture doesn't do her much justice, but her long skirt did come in handy to hide her fatty lower half. This is why I have to lose weight in time for the holidays. My aunt CC usually takes surprise photographs and posts them on facebook the next day, making you think over your last binge. The camera adds 10 lbs, and even in last year's photos I look somewhat fat. But anyway, glad I'm not her!
Is it bad that I added these pictures in my 'Reverse Thinspo' folder?

Too Late To Re-do

So I guess I was right. The reason I was gaining was because I hadn't gone to the restroom, so all the food was building up. It's kind of sad to realize it now because I guess I got a bit depressed (?) and thought I was actually gaining... so I kind of binged. Well, I guess there's nothing much I can do now but prepare myself for next week. I have mentally noted that I will not be able to lose any weight this week, since my aunt is always knocking on my door to see if I'm going to have breakfast/dinner with her. See? Two meals a day. Waaay more than I was eating while in school. But there's no way to get out of this, so the only thing I can do is download a ton of thinspo and read alot of blogs for motivation next week.
My aunt CC was telling me that she had dreamt that she was eating a big bowl of beans and when she was about to have the last spoonful, my grandma had taken her plate away.
"I was so traumatized! When I woke up I was all depressed."
This is the reaction from the remark my grandma made the other day regarding her diet and weight, I guess. At least that sort of triggered her to begin eating less.
I'm leaving tomorrow (finally) back home! It's going to be so cooool to be without stress :) That reminds me, I have to feed my cat and get him fat. Being fat only looks good on animals, not people. I was seeing reverse thinspo yesterday, and wow. It was traumatizing.
Important Note:*I do not shame fat people. It's just a way I have of making myself aware that I can be like that if I keep eating like this. Awarness to prevent myself from wandering off the weight loss road.
It's almost been a year since I completed my 56 hour fast. I think I'll do another fast soon this month, and to conmemorate the beginning of my weight loss journey next week, I'll get a piercing :) It makes me focus more on my goals, and I can't just brush it away lightly, like I would a bracelet.

Eating Less But Still Gaining?

What the hell is up with my body? It's been 2 fucking times I've weighed myself and each time I weigh even higher. I've been eating waaaay less than usual, but even so, I've gone from 51.5 to 51.7 and yesterday 52.0. I just don't understand. Or could it be that my body is metabolizing every single meal I've had (my digestive stract is a bit slow) and I haven't gone to the bathroom in a while. I guess this is the only logical explanation as to why I'm gaining.
I should continue to eat less even if the number on the scale is higher, once I go to the bathroom, I'm sure I'll get rid of it.
Today I'm going to go to school to check my English grade, and that means that I'm finally done with school until January 19th. Yay! I can't wait to go back home and have fun with my family. Plus, lose weight. My mom is still rehearsing every day of the week from 7 to 11pm, so I'll finally have time to excercise again!! Yay!! I haven't excercised here because the Wall of my room is just a huge window, so my aunt and uncle would be able to see me. You know how hard we excercise, so I can't let them see me like that. They'd think I was crazy or something.
I was hoping to weigh 48kg on Saturday, but because of these change of events, I guess even reaching 50 is imposible. Plus, I need to stock up on other weight loss blogs to boost my metabolism. There are tons of things I need to do to prepare for Christmas, and that includes reaching my goal weight. In October, when I was weighing 49.3, my hands were so skinny! You know the part that connects your thumb to your wrist? Well, my skin was sucked in there and my grandma looked at my hand and said, "Ugly, sickly hands." I loved it. Not her comment, but the way my hands looked. I'm still skinny there but not as much as it used to be. I miss that. Anyhow, I just have to get my willpower pants back on and be strict with my goals. There is hardly any food there anyways. That means that binge sessions will be pretty much nonexistent. The downside is that there isn't a scale at home, so I won't know my weight. But I will take pics to check my progress.

 

My aunt just told me yesterday that she's lost 4 pounds in the past week and a half. I asked her what she was doing differently and she just laughed and said, "Cookies. I haven't had cookies or other types of pastries in a while!" Although, I think she'll be gaining that weight back, seeing as my uncle bought a huge box of cookies last night. Last week, my mom was telling me that my grandma had made an unkind remark to my Aunt and how she hadn't lost weight. She (my grandma) was saying that my aunt was still eating as if she was preggo, and that it was time for her to actually lose weight. My grandma is very strict in terms of eating well and having a nice body. She's been saying I look bad 'weight wise' so I guess I look too skinny for her? Anyways, my aunt was all trying not to cry, saying "Well if my husband hasn't said anything..." You know. The common 'if my husband doesn't say anything... 'I guess he's okay with me like this,' or 'I am staying like this until my husband says something.' My grandma said that if she didn't hurry up, my uncle was going to start looking at other girls' bodies and that she (my grandma) didn't want the weight to become an issue in their relationship.
I can somehow agree with my grandma. Not the husband part, but the part of 'its time you lose weight.' My aunt eats 3 huge meals a day, snacks in between. She's been breastfeeding because she Heard that it helps you lose weight, but seems sad to see she doesn't lose any weight. It might be all the shit you eat every day! Hello! It doesn't take a genius to figure that out. Anyways, she's finally cut down to just 2 meals a day, almost no snacks in between. Almost, okay? They bought a packet of doughnuts the night before last, at like... 10pm.
Plus, when I was walking back from school like 2 months ago, I passed this garage place where tons of middle aged chubby ladies had on their loose White shirts and leggings (you could see the cellulite gathered on their thighs) and were dancing Zumba. Ugh! It was saddening (but funny) to watch. At that point I made a promise to myself to never become that kind of middle aged lady, trying to lose weight in order to please my husband... that was probably off with some other woman at that moment.

Fucking Teacher Morons (Plus, a mini-binge)

I had the intention of writing yesterday, but I was too nervous about my grade in Math (which I went to school to check today) which also means that I sort of had a mini-binge. It wasn't anything fattening (like cookies or cakes, you know, what I usually binge on) but just normal food. And it wasn't huge amounts of it either, just many small meals throughout the day... plus 3 huge oranges.
Anyways, I'm back in my aunt and uncle's house this week because I still had one more week of college left. It's basically just to check grades and stuff, so we're only going on the days and class schedule we have to see our final grades. I was super worried about failing Math, but I got 70, which is better than what others got. To tell you the truth, I wasn't happy with my grade only because there were people who scored even lower than me in almost every single assignment (not to mention the final exam) and they scored 71. The teacher is a fucking moron, but whatever. I know I didn't actually learn anyth much.
Almost all my teachers are fucking morons. Last Monday, we had Accounting as our first hour and only people that wanted to give a general look-see in what we had to study for the final exam went. Of course, I went. Well what do you know? The teacher comes in a half fucking hour late with an exasperated look on her face, telling us that our final exam was in a half hour. God, she's so... stupid. So, anyways, the majority of us (I guess) didn't know anything. I have to check my grades on that tomorrow as well. And you know what the unfair part is? The rest of the class, the ones that didn't come that day because they were too lazy to come got to do it yesterday. Of course, we told them what was on the test and stuff, so it's pretty hard not to get 95 or 100.
Now, our Management teacher is so unpredictable, plus a bitch. We're getting points knocked off our final grade because we didn't go today to class. Sounds logical, no? Well not if I told you that the teacher said we didn't have anything else to come to class to. She hardly ever goes to class and now she's getting strict with us? Fucking menopausal old woman.

In other news, I'm weighing in at (well I weighed on November 30th) 51.7 kg. Fucking last week and it's weekend binges. Christmas is just 23 days away and I'm not close enough to my goal. At least I'm not weighing in at 52.5 kg, which used to be my normal weight after a bingefest. Just one thing to be grateful for.
It's also almost new years and I guess I  just achieved one of last years resolutions: Coloring my hair an exotic color. Should I even write out my new year's resolution? It's normally almost always the same: Lose weight, get abs, be more kind, finish learning my new language, yadda, yadda, yadda. I never make it come true.

Like Any Other Day

"The meal isn't over when I'm full.

The meal is over when I hate myself." 

 



 You've been such a bad girl.