Feeling Huge, But The Scale Says Otherwise

49.3

 

The weird thing is that I feel the same as when I weighed 52.

After my last blog post, I did end up visiting my mom until Sunday afternoon, which meant that I would be eating more than my 'normal' quantity of food. Naturally, I ballooned up to 52kg (I think. I didn't weigh myself because I knew I would be dissapointed) and it's been a steady walk down back to this gorgeous number. I can only think about if tomorrow I'm going to weigh 48. God! I haven't seen 48 in such a long time! Keep your fingers crossed!
College is stressing me out. I just had an Administration exam this morning, and I have a ton of things to turn in. Apart from that, I have take the departamental (the most important) exams soon and actually get a good grade on 'em.
Which means more weightloss, so all is cool.

Oh my god. This change in Schedule is killing me! Now it's barely 10:30 and I feel like sleeping forever.

Inspecting Every Little Bone

Just here to say that I'm weighing in at 49.7kgs!
Down from last blog post: 0.8kg.

 

I felt so happy standing on the scale with that number looking up at me. My aunt and uncle were asleep on their bed, so they didn't hear my little squeals of delight xD
I'm on my way to class right now, although it's only going to be 3 hours' worth. Tomorrow I don't have classes, and neither on Friday... so Imma skip Saturday's class as well and go visit my mom.
I just need to ask my aunt and uncle when they're leaving, and if I can hitchhike xD Hopefully they don't say no.

Slowly Going Down...

I'm weighing in today at 50.2 (late afternoon weight)! That's 1.3kg less than my last blog post.
Something is something, right?

My aunt and uncle are back so I'm here, alone, in my room, blogging. Their baby isn't much of a squeeler, which is great. I totally needed some human company already, because talking to the fat cats just wasn't what I needed. Plus, they always looked at me as if saying, "What the hell is up with this crazy bitch?"
Seeing that number on the scale was such a relief. I had expected that my 2 weeks' worth of eating normally was going to make shit hit the fan. Thank god it didn't do much damage :) My last number was 49.3kg, almost about a month ago, so I'm expecting it to get there by friday. I took off my clothes to get in the shower and I looked in the mirror. It was beautiful to see my bony back :D
Ugh, I hate Math now. My current teacher has done the impossible. I never thought I would ever hate math, but here I am, detesting the thought of going to class tomorrow .-. Congratulations, you son of a b*·$ch!

I had the time to clean my room (something I've been meaning to do for weeks now), clean my backpack, and rearrange my closet. That would have been impossible to do if my aunt and uncle hadn't come home. I would have probably just been in the living room, watching The Big Bang Theory or Friends.
Ugh, god. I don't know what else to write. My brain feels like putty after doing some math excercises.

I just want to go home to see my mom.

*OH my god. My aunt is just talking on the phone with my grandma about how much she weighs; 69kg. Its normal for a woman who just gave birth but, oh my god! Shes my same height!

Trapped and Drowned. Full...

... not only of food, but of some strange emotion I can't understand.

I use to read books (the normal school Biology books) and they always came to that part of mental and physical health. The body dismorphia, the anorexia, the bulimia. It always starred a skeletal Young girl, in pink underwear, looking into the mirror and her exagerated fat 'fake' figure. I could never understand how she could actually be seeing that in herself.

"She's obviously way too skinny... But how is it possible she can't see it?"

That special Biology chapter always made me roll my eyes, but it we were forced to read it so, every year, my friends and I would laugh at the same picture. Over and over again.

"People suffering from these diseases normally eat their feelings. They have problems and they transfer it to food. It can either be that they eat in excess, or they hardly eat at all. Bulimia sufferers later purge their food to get rid of these feelings. It makes them feel better..."

I could never understand it then.

But here I am now, with the urge to eat everything in sight and later be able to purge it all out.
And I can't.
Because I know that when that happens, I'll just hate myself a little bit more.

When did life get so complicated?


Weight Today: 51.5 kg
Up 1.7kg from last blog post.

What Makes Me Want To Binge

Okay, basically the title says all. Yesterday, as I was chatting with my best friend, I realized what really ticks my whole 'eating everything urge' on. Zara (Friend, not 14 year-old cousin) was explaining to me that she had eaten too much during the weekend, and that she felt totally fat and useless. I asked her why she had eaten so much, and she said that it all happened once she saw her ex boyfriend again, looking hotter than ever.
"I got so depressed, next thing I knew, I was eating like a fucking pig." She weighs 52 kgs, and hasn't been able to shed any weight since we made the pact.
Anyways, that's what got me asking myself, What makes me want to binge? Depression? No. During those cases, I lose my apetite and just drink coffee. Aha! That's when I realized it: Whenever I am nervous, I eat everything in sight. That must make sense since I bite my nails in those cases as well. Maybe I'm just automatically wired to want something in my mouth when I'm nervous.
I haven't been good these last few days because of that. I had an oral presentation on Monday, so I was obviously nervous... and obviously wanting to binge. Which I did. It wasn't much, but it's enough to make me not want to look in the mirror. Plus, my scale is out of batteries.
But of course, when you have someone wanting the same thing as you, it's easier to get back on the bandwagon and ride to your destination (reaching your goal weight), since you both send thinspiration and beautiful positive comments of how reaching your destination will be.
I leave you beauties with a link to a model's video regarding diet.
*The only point I actually pay attention to is the first one since it defeats the purpose of binging and overeating:

"If it's really that bad, why would I want to be putting it into my body?

 

I did not like to be touched... because I craved it too much.

One day,
I´m going to make him wish he was mine.
He'll search for me,
but I won't even pretend he exists.
I'll make him regret
every single thing he's done,
Every single time he touched my heart,
Every single time I thought of the both of us,
Every single minute I wanted him,

I'm going to make him feel worthless.

Like he's done to me.


Dear Ana,
Let this fast be a steady passage to perfection...
revenge on those who look down on me, on those who think I can't do it...
I have put myself back in your hands, asking for guidance in this horrid world of lies and deception, of fake feelings and lost illusions...
I only wish to emerge as a unique butterfly, savoring every moment of this metamorphosis and higher power, making me a stronger person than I am today.
Help me against temptation.
Strengthen me with willpower.
Love me as your lost child.
Turn me into someone I won't even recognize; thin, beautiful, unique. Fragile but strong.
I walk to you with tears on my cheeks, but determination in my eyes.
With your guidance help me show those who have hurt me, that there was more to me than they thought.
I will become a beautiful butterfly, showering regret in the heads of those who knew me.

Because tomorrow... is the first day of the rest of our lives.

Love,
Roxie