#StarvingInSuburbia

I fork food after food after food into my mouth without tasting. I'm under someone else's control and I just can't seem to resurface. There are two voices in my head, feeding me advice.

"Starving isn't healthy. Your body needs food to function properly... Wake up from the illusion you've chained your mind to. Eat."

And I do. But at the same time, another voice chimes in.

"You're going to be sad and fat if you keep on eating. Don't you remember how beautiful starvation feels like? You rise above everybody... you have power. You aren't even close to perfection, or beauty. You are ugly. Starve to be worthy enough."

They're playing a tug of war, and I don't know who to pay attention to.

I've got my prom dress already. Plus my shoes! Got 3 pairs for $40 bucks!
Has anyone seen ' Starving in Suburbia' ? I began to watch it and wanted to laugh. It's funny how people try to make eating disorder movies without much insight. They just base themselves on what other people (who just criticize) think. It was so bad.
People think that these sort of blogs just take ahold of 'normal' teenagers and turn them into anorexics. I've read blogs and they don't want wannarexics. It's a place for people to express themselves since they can't really talk to their relatives around them. It's a place for support and understanding. If you want to recover, we support you and wish you well. We hope that you succeed and find happiness in life. But if you need us, we'll be there.
I didn't finish watching it all (because it was so bad). It also got me sort of scared. 'Ana' was represented as a beautiful blonde girl with evil intentions and a sort of 'gang' or 'worshipers' that were basically emos. I was laughing throughout all the weird worshiping.

Changed the name of my blog. Yeah. 'Blue Ribbon Bracelet' is now 'Minty Mokaccino'.
:)

The Red Lines On My Wrist

It feels like forever since I've written here. My weight has gone up and down the same 6 pounds as always, and I felt too much of a failure to write down in this blog. Today I'm weighing in at 52.5 kgs (late afternoon weight) when I weighed 51.7 Friday night.
I hate my eyes. They see the same girl in the mirror even if the scale says otherwise. Will I ever be able to accept myself? Sometimes I just feel like giving up; I hate myself anyways, what's a few more pounds of hate to my body?  I always look fat. There isn't a time when I feel slim.
That's because you aren't.
Her voice has faded over the past 3 years and I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad one. I feel okay that the fear of food doesn't cause me to shake or make my heart beat accelerate anymore. I try to calm down and let the rational side of my brain think about my intake in a more normal way.
Prom is 8 days away, and I don't want to be fat. Actually, I don't really care about prom... just my birthday, which is 18 days away. I want to give the 15 year-old me the gift she's been waiting for 3 entire years. To be skinny. Why? because she deserves it.
I haven't seen my father in a year and a half, and now he's trying to lure me back into his life. I have no time for narcissistic people anymore. And I just can't take it. Can't he understand he needs to leave me alone? I'm tired of all the drama surrounding him and his deformed vision of the world.
Cutting seems to alleviate the pain sometimes. Other times, it's just a good form of discipline.