Like Any Other Day

"The meal isn't over when I'm full.

The meal is over when I hate myself." 

 



 You've been such a bad girl.

Almost December; The Internal Fight With Oneself

There's a part of me that still shakes her head whenever I eat anything. "Fast," she says.

 

 

I'm leaving on monday to go back home with my mom for Winter break. Finally! All those freaking nights thinking about why the heck I entered college are finally *almost* done. I was getting tired of thinking about my life and exactly what I'm doing with it... now I can just enjoy my time with my mom and family and not think about school. It's my last week and I've finished all my homework, but I just need to study for my math and accounting exams.
I'm not actually sad for these past few months because I actually did acomplish something. It might not be much, but I've managed to stay in the 50kg range instead of the 53kg one I had been on before college. At least it's something.
I've been thinking of fasting since last week, but I feel there's something wrong with me. Now, I can't actually last long without eating something small. There is some guilt involved whenever I eat but it's not as extreme as it used to be. During those times, I would shake, sweat and cry if I had even one small potato chip. I'm glad I'm getting better, but I feel there's still something missing.
I really wanted to reach my 48 kg goal (GW1) by monday, which means that I would have to lose 6 lbs in 5 days. Possible? Absolutely. I just want to go back home skinny so that everyone talks. Although, as I said, they would only criticize. Plus, It would scare my mom, and I don't really want to upset her. Only then I think, 'This is something I want, why do I worry about them? It's my body.'

Well I'm off to read some fantasy/romance novels. Anything more interesting than my life xD

Peace Out .V..

Everything around me is foggy... I can't see where I'm headed.

I am so confused.
For years I have tried to be perfect, or at least the kind of person I had always thought as of being my future. Yes, the perfect girl in my eyes. Smart, beautiful, kind and thin. I had always thought that was what everyone wanted. The kind of person everyone would admire. I would be her.
I tried, and I don't know... I'm skinnier than I have *almost* ever been, but no one celebrates me, or smiles at my achievements. Where did I go wrong? I feel invisible.
Even now, when I look in the mirror, my thighs almost don't touch anymore... and even so, I still think of myself as repulsive. I don't even know what the hell I want anymore, or where in the heck I'm headed. I don't know what to do or which way to turn. I don't know exactly who I am.
It seems that everything I have ever thought to be true... isn't anymore. This is making me confused. I've been beating myself up for years trying to be this *perfect* person, and she's still out of sight. I don't have the strength to wash my face, or dress up and go to parties even though I'm finally skinny. It feels like my whole life I've just been wandering place to place, a forgetful face in everyone's lives. The kind of person someone looks at a picture of and asks, "Who's that?" with a response of, "Who knows?". I never wanted to be this person. But yet... here she is.
People look at me. Yes they do. But only to say, 'She's gotten too skinny' with a shake of their heads. Why are you changing your ideas, people? Why are you finally saying it's wrong to be like this? I thought that's what you guys wanted. There had been remarks in the past of 'you're eating too much, you know.' I obeyed, and now everyone Is shaking their heads? I'm even skinnier than that b*tch of a cousin, and now everyone is looking and complimenting her. I'm just a passing spirit. I feel so alone. What did I do to deserve this? I've been strong and overcome so much more than the normal person, with discipline I've been killing myself slowly while the others just cry and whimper about how they haven't had breakfast yet and it's already noon.
How am I supposed to live in order to be acknowledged?!?
I'm tired of this game with the rest of the world. Ah, I don't know. Maybe it's just a game with my mind. Maybe I'm just going crazy. Maybe I really am a passing spirit, meant to mark a little of everyone's lives, but never get anywhere or achieve anything myself. Ah, destiny. You are so cruel.

 

 

Everything was black and white.

Ugly and pretty,

Fat and skinny.

Don't eat too much,

just eat a little.

Follow these rules,

and you will be beautiful.

 

 

 

Why is it that now it doesn't seem to be the case? Is there something I missed? Something I overlooked? Or is it that it's simply not my destiny?

For The First Time: Measurements

Never have I ever posted anything even closely relating my measurements (for fear of the numbers and people's reaction), but I need to post it to focus more on my goals.
It's 11pm and I'm starving... which is good.
So here they are:

May 15th, 2014

51.8 kg
Bust: 32
Waist: 25
Hips: 36

June 26th, 2014

52.5 kg
Bust: 32
Waist: 25.5
Upper thigh: 21
Lower thigh: 15
Arms: 9.5

Hips: 35
*note: taken after having lunch.

September 28th, 2014

50.7kg
Bust: 31.5
Waist: 25
Upper thigh: 20.5
Lower thigh: 15
Arms: 9.5
Hips: 31 and 34.5

October 2nd, 2014

49.7 kg
Bust: 31
Waist: 24.5
Upper thigh: 20
Lower thigh: 15
Arms: 9.25
Hips: 30.5 and 34

November 12th, 2014

???
Bust: 31.5
Waist: 25.5
Upper thigh: 20
Lower thigh: 15
Arms: 9
Hips: 31 and 34.5

I haven't weighed myself because I haven't gone to the restroom for a few days and I feel like I have an alien inside me! That could be why my waist went up a little.

"You can come over and we can have pizza!"

Is what my brother told me yesterday.
Sadly, I was contemplating having the entire box and savoring every single bite... but my brain reacted and I came up with a lame excuse. Something about it raining and car accidents happening.
I feel bad about that because my brother wanted some company, I guess. But on the way home, there was a car accident blocking the street. A sign? Who knows.

Last week, I went back home from Thursday to Sunday. Havoc was unleashed... in the form of out-of-control binges. It's hard to pull yourself away from that entirely once the action has almost turned into a tradition.
So, how much do I weigh on this cloudy Tuesday afternoon? Who knows. I've been avoiding the digital scale every time I see it in the bathroom. I'll weigh myself tomorrow morning before school. Hopefully it's not too bad.
My friend, Zara might come Saturday and stay over until Sunday. We're supposed to go to a party and get extremely wasted, but her parents haven't given her permission. They said, "We'll see." Which is the code word for "I'll just use this as a way for you to behave this week and torture you." Ah, classic parents.
But how would I know? My parents are divorced! xD
If she really comes, I have to be super skinny by Saturday... weighing almost 48 kgs. I don't know how I'm gonna do it, but it has to be done. I also got my roots retouched and my hair dyed, but I don't actually like it. It's like this greenish grayish blonde and I haven't cut it in ages. Ahhh! Someone give me willpower!

In other news, my aunt Susie said I was too skinny. I, of course responded (in my head) with a snort and a shaking of my head. Too skinny? Ha! What is with you people? I'm just average.
So here's how the convo went:
*My aunt was giving me some white cargo pants that were too tight for her.

S: You know what? I'm going to give you these white jeans that don't fit me at all. Your aunt Mary gave them to me, but the pants don't look good on me...

Me: Cool! What kind of pants are they?

S: They have these cool pockets on each leg. Since it didn't fit me, your aunt Mary was all, "You should give them to Roxie." But I told her I wouldn't know if they fit you, you know, since you're really skinny now-

 Me (incredulous): Skinny? For reals?

S (taken aback): Yeah. Your face is like more V shaped and in general, you're skinnier...

Me *talking to myself*: What do people see that I don't?

So she gave me the cargo pants, and as she had predicted, they were loose on me. Oh, well. I'd rather be skinny than have the body to fit those jeans.
I guess that was more or less my entire weekend, in a nutshell. I just hope that I can think before having an extra serving of food at lunch.
I have to keep my mind on my goal! 48, here I come!

best wishes, little foxes!

Tomorrow Is a New Day

... So I'll just finish inserting this cookie in my mouth and not freak out.

I don't know what happened. As soon as my aunt and uncle drove off on Friday, I hurried to the kitchen and picked up a packet of cookies. Well, 3 packets... that same day.
The next day I found myself patroling the inside of the fridge, littering my plate with all sorts of foods and eating in front of the television as The Big Bang Theory came on. My plate was soon wiped clean and I was satisfied.
It wasn't for long, though. My belly was bulging but I had a need to eat more. I thought Sunday was going to be the day I fasted, but I was proved wrong as I opened yet another packet of cookies.
But Tomorrow is a new day, and I will become a better person tomorrow and focus on my goals. It's been too many days of messing up. This stops here.
Maybe I'm freaking out because I might see my friend for the first time in 3 years this weekend. She might also stay over and I feel like such a failure. Zara is actually much more prettier tan when we were freshmen together. She went blonde, got some piercings and finally took advantage of her Brown-Green eyes. Just saw a picture she posted on Facebook. Damn, she looks great.
And here I am, feeling like a fat slob that couldn't (or wouldn't) get anything done this weekend. Oh dammit. I'll get everything done this week before the party on Saturday.
To make myself get disciplined this week, I've reserved a date in the beauty salón to get rid of my roots and a new haircut. But that haircut will only work if my face is super thin by saturday... else I'll look even fatter. Anyhow, it's nice to look forward to change. The good kind, that is. I want to show my friends how awesome I got. Especially Zara.
I just have to survive until Thursday. And not eat like, anything until saturday night, when we´re out drinking. They haven't confirmed anything yet, but I hope they do soon or else I'll get nervous and eat more than a grown elephant can digest.
Sigh. I can do this. I can do this. I CAN DO THIS.

Wish me Please send me determination girls. Even telepathy is acceptable :)

Have you guys seen these pictures of asian magazines? I mean, they're even shorter than me but I wish I had their bodies.