Cute, Random and Interesting Images: Post One

 

 

I'm Not Giving Up, Yo.

God. I don't know what to write. What can I say? I feel like a fucking cow. Not only am I bloated 'cause I'm on my period, but these cheeks are no joke. I can mentally feel cellulite gathering on my thighs... Yeah, it's crazy but I'm just about ready to go on America's biggest loser. I feel like a 250lb obese person who can't stop eating cake.
It's been a fucking week since I arrived home, but my diet has yet to begin.
This morning I actually stopped and thought to myself, "Are you going to continue on as this fat fuck?".
I'm disgusted with food right now, but I don't know how long it's going to last. It will only be a few short hours before I open that refrigerator door and have the final slice of that birthday cake. I know this, but I have absolutely no control over my mouth any longer.
I was thinking of fasting tomorrow since my mom has a gig for almost the entire day... but I think I'll just rinse out my entire system with the Hibiscus Tea (Click here to a past post on how to make this!) and... yeah. Fuck this shit. I'm fasting tomorrow until my mom shoves a pancake into my mouth. I'll start with my last meal tonight and begin counting the hours. Hopefully I manage 30 or 35 hours. I'll fake meals even if my mom tells me to eat. Lemons and Coffee will become my best friends.

Talking about my mom, she just bought some diet pills from my aunt some... 3 days ago? Anyway, I don't know where the hell my aunt gets them (I guess you could say she 'knows people') because I have never fucking heard the majority of them and I doubt they are even listed on the internet. Plus, one was banned in the US? 4 years ago my mom used the one that had been banned and she became suuuper skinny. I guess she's had an effect on my body image.. anyways, the one she got this time was from African Mango(?) and I don't think it's working, because she's still hungry and stuff. The other one killed the taste of food, so she didn't feel tempted to eat anything. Just smoke. And drink coffee.
It's funny, because I overheard the convo with my aunt and I was all, "If you just wanna slim down, stop fucking eating fattening shit. It's gonna save us the cost of those pills plus the food you would be eating." And she's all, "The reason I want the pills is because I'm going to stop smoking, and if I stop smoking I'm going to start eating and gaining weight."
Yeah. sure.
She's been smoking more now than when she wasn't taking the pills. She just likes to humor me.
God. I saw myself in the mirror yesterday and my face is no longer V shaped. it's now like a U. Fucking chubby hamster cheeks.

A Collection Of Thinspo: Post One

 

Reverse thinspo? No need to look it up! Your family will do it for you!

A quick post before I go back home :)
I think I'm lying to myself regarding food. When my aunt and uncle leave to get some errands done, I sneak into the kitchen and grab something to eat. I hide it in my room and eat it secretly. Yesterday, I stopped as I ate a cookie and thought. From whom am I hiding from? My aunt and uncle won't think it's weird if I go to the kitchen to get a snack, so why am I sneaking around? The only person I'm harming is myself. Do I do this to somehow validate eating? I mean, I'm sneaking around so I must not be eating much... Am I hiding from myself?
The night before last I was on facebook, you know, just scrolling down to see what people had been up to... when I came across a new thanksgiving album one of my aunts (Who live in another country) had barely posted. Immediately, my eyes went to these pictures:

 

This is my cousin, Jackie, favorite niece of my aunt CC and Susie. They always go on and on about how beautiful she is and how much they miss her. Whatever. She used to kick me when we were sleeping. Bitch.
Anyways, as soon as I saw them *the pictures* I was all, oh my god. She has never ever been skinny, but she has known which way to turn when the camera is shooting her way, so she doesn't look fat. The first picture doesn't do her much justice, but her long skirt did come in handy to hide her fatty lower half. This is why I have to lose weight in time for the holidays. My aunt CC usually takes surprise photographs and posts them on facebook the next day, making you think over your last binge. The camera adds 10 lbs, and even in last year's photos I look somewhat fat. But anyway, glad I'm not her!
Is it bad that I added these pictures in my 'Reverse Thinspo' folder?

Too Late To Re-do

So I guess I was right. The reason I was gaining was because I hadn't gone to the restroom, so all the food was building up. It's kind of sad to realize it now because I guess I got a bit depressed (?) and thought I was actually gaining... so I kind of binged. Well, I guess there's nothing much I can do now but prepare myself for next week. I have mentally noted that I will not be able to lose any weight this week, since my aunt is always knocking on my door to see if I'm going to have breakfast/dinner with her. See? Two meals a day. Waaay more than I was eating while in school. But there's no way to get out of this, so the only thing I can do is download a ton of thinspo and read alot of blogs for motivation next week.
My aunt CC was telling me that she had dreamt that she was eating a big bowl of beans and when she was about to have the last spoonful, my grandma had taken her plate away.
"I was so traumatized! When I woke up I was all depressed."
This is the reaction from the remark my grandma made the other day regarding her diet and weight, I guess. At least that sort of triggered her to begin eating less.
I'm leaving tomorrow (finally) back home! It's going to be so cooool to be without stress :) That reminds me, I have to feed my cat and get him fat. Being fat only looks good on animals, not people. I was seeing reverse thinspo yesterday, and wow. It was traumatizing.
Important Note:*I do not shame fat people. It's just a way I have of making myself aware that I can be like that if I keep eating like this. Awarness to prevent myself from wandering off the weight loss road.
It's almost been a year since I completed my 56 hour fast. I think I'll do another fast soon this month, and to conmemorate the beginning of my weight loss journey next week, I'll get a piercing :) It makes me focus more on my goals, and I can't just brush it away lightly, like I would a bracelet.

Eating Less But Still Gaining?

What the hell is up with my body? It's been 2 fucking times I've weighed myself and each time I weigh even higher. I've been eating waaaay less than usual, but even so, I've gone from 51.5 to 51.7 and yesterday 52.0. I just don't understand. Or could it be that my body is metabolizing every single meal I've had (my digestive stract is a bit slow) and I haven't gone to the bathroom in a while. I guess this is the only logical explanation as to why I'm gaining.
I should continue to eat less even if the number on the scale is higher, once I go to the bathroom, I'm sure I'll get rid of it.
Today I'm going to go to school to check my English grade, and that means that I'm finally done with school until January 19th. Yay! I can't wait to go back home and have fun with my family. Plus, lose weight. My mom is still rehearsing every day of the week from 7 to 11pm, so I'll finally have time to excercise again!! Yay!! I haven't excercised here because the Wall of my room is just a huge window, so my aunt and uncle would be able to see me. You know how hard we excercise, so I can't let them see me like that. They'd think I was crazy or something.
I was hoping to weigh 48kg on Saturday, but because of these change of events, I guess even reaching 50 is imposible. Plus, I need to stock up on other weight loss blogs to boost my metabolism. There are tons of things I need to do to prepare for Christmas, and that includes reaching my goal weight. In October, when I was weighing 49.3, my hands were so skinny! You know the part that connects your thumb to your wrist? Well, my skin was sucked in there and my grandma looked at my hand and said, "Ugly, sickly hands." I loved it. Not her comment, but the way my hands looked. I'm still skinny there but not as much as it used to be. I miss that. Anyhow, I just have to get my willpower pants back on and be strict with my goals. There is hardly any food there anyways. That means that binge sessions will be pretty much nonexistent. The downside is that there isn't a scale at home, so I won't know my weight. But I will take pics to check my progress.

 

My aunt just told me yesterday that she's lost 4 pounds in the past week and a half. I asked her what she was doing differently and she just laughed and said, "Cookies. I haven't had cookies or other types of pastries in a while!" Although, I think she'll be gaining that weight back, seeing as my uncle bought a huge box of cookies last night. Last week, my mom was telling me that my grandma had made an unkind remark to my Aunt and how she hadn't lost weight. She (my grandma) was saying that my aunt was still eating as if she was preggo, and that it was time for her to actually lose weight. My grandma is very strict in terms of eating well and having a nice body. She's been saying I look bad 'weight wise' so I guess I look too skinny for her? Anyways, my aunt was all trying not to cry, saying "Well if my husband hasn't said anything..." You know. The common 'if my husband doesn't say anything... 'I guess he's okay with me like this,' or 'I am staying like this until my husband says something.' My grandma said that if she didn't hurry up, my uncle was going to start looking at other girls' bodies and that she (my grandma) didn't want the weight to become an issue in their relationship.
I can somehow agree with my grandma. Not the husband part, but the part of 'its time you lose weight.' My aunt eats 3 huge meals a day, snacks in between. She's been breastfeeding because she Heard that it helps you lose weight, but seems sad to see she doesn't lose any weight. It might be all the shit you eat every day! Hello! It doesn't take a genius to figure that out. Anyways, she's finally cut down to just 2 meals a day, almost no snacks in between. Almost, okay? They bought a packet of doughnuts the night before last, at like... 10pm.
Plus, when I was walking back from school like 2 months ago, I passed this garage place where tons of middle aged chubby ladies had on their loose White shirts and leggings (you could see the cellulite gathered on their thighs) and were dancing Zumba. Ugh! It was saddening (but funny) to watch. At that point I made a promise to myself to never become that kind of middle aged lady, trying to lose weight in order to please my husband... that was probably off with some other woman at that moment.

Fucking Teacher Morons (Plus, a mini-binge)

I had the intention of writing yesterday, but I was too nervous about my grade in Math (which I went to school to check today) which also means that I sort of had a mini-binge. It wasn't anything fattening (like cookies or cakes, you know, what I usually binge on) but just normal food. And it wasn't huge amounts of it either, just many small meals throughout the day... plus 3 huge oranges.
Anyways, I'm back in my aunt and uncle's house this week because I still had one more week of college left. It's basically just to check grades and stuff, so we're only going on the days and class schedule we have to see our final grades. I was super worried about failing Math, but I got 70, which is better than what others got. To tell you the truth, I wasn't happy with my grade only because there were people who scored even lower than me in almost every single assignment (not to mention the final exam) and they scored 71. The teacher is a fucking moron, but whatever. I know I didn't actually learn anyth much.
Almost all my teachers are fucking morons. Last Monday, we had Accounting as our first hour and only people that wanted to give a general look-see in what we had to study for the final exam went. Of course, I went. Well what do you know? The teacher comes in a half fucking hour late with an exasperated look on her face, telling us that our final exam was in a half hour. God, she's so... stupid. So, anyways, the majority of us (I guess) didn't know anything. I have to check my grades on that tomorrow as well. And you know what the unfair part is? The rest of the class, the ones that didn't come that day because they were too lazy to come got to do it yesterday. Of course, we told them what was on the test and stuff, so it's pretty hard not to get 95 or 100.
Now, our Management teacher is so unpredictable, plus a bitch. We're getting points knocked off our final grade because we didn't go today to class. Sounds logical, no? Well not if I told you that the teacher said we didn't have anything else to come to class to. She hardly ever goes to class and now she's getting strict with us? Fucking menopausal old woman.

In other news, I'm weighing in at (well I weighed on November 30th) 51.7 kg. Fucking last week and it's weekend binges. Christmas is just 23 days away and I'm not close enough to my goal. At least I'm not weighing in at 52.5 kg, which used to be my normal weight after a bingefest. Just one thing to be grateful for.
It's also almost new years and I guess I  just achieved one of last years resolutions: Coloring my hair an exotic color. Should I even write out my new year's resolution? It's normally almost always the same: Lose weight, get abs, be more kind, finish learning my new language, yadda, yadda, yadda. I never make it come true.