Happy Birthday... You're only getting old now.

 

I'm 19 years old as of yesterday, and I always feel (whenever it's my birthday) that I haven't accomplished anything in my life. This time, however, I don't have that sort of predicament. I feel completely devoid of emotions... I really didn't feel anything on my birthday yesterday.  I know I can't make time stop so I've accepted that the years will only keep rolling by.
At least I have accomplished things the past year: I started college, I started living without my mom (only with my aunt and uncle), I became more responsable and less whiny... and I sort of cured myself of my eating disorder.
During the time I didn't post anything here, I started to sort of unwind my mind from the eating thoughts. I did excercise, I ate whenever I needed to eat, I snacked whenever I needed a snack and I became a much more happy person. I tried not to see anything related to dieting or other tips and tricks on the internet so that my progress wouldn't reverse itself. I had a weak moment (once or twice) in which I found some blogs on my computer and I spent half a day reading it. I stopped because I started to feel frantic and... I don't know, I was falling down that hole again.
Because I focused less on my eating, I spent more time with my family and we got closer. I was happier and I had awesome abs! Had because ever since I started my first job almost 3 weeks ago, I moved back with my aunt and uncle and I don't have any space to excercise here. My current predicament is moving out of here as soon as possible since my aunt and uncle just bought a house and I guess I'm the only thing in their way.

An Uneventful Spring Break... somewhat.

The tension between us was becoming more than I could bear. 

His large hands gripped my  waist and steadied themselves slowly lower to rest at my hips. We stood there, my thighs held closely between his open legs as he pulled me even closer to his body. I let my hands roam his sturdy back.

I breathed him in... time continued to pass unbeknownst to us, our feelings seemed to swallow us whole and fill up the entire atmosphere. My mind was completely dulled to ways of thought. I didn't care where this would lead us... all I wanted was to experience this overwhelming feeling of excitement for longer, until the morning came and my mind began to exercise thought. Perhaps those first thoughts would be guilt and self loathing, having been no trace of true feelings involved, only animalistic urges rising to the surface, but instincts overwhelmed my conscious mind at the moment.

His chin met the end of my jawbone, grazing every inch of the skin there. Then I felt his breezy exhale tickle my ear.

"I want you..."

 The electric current that passed through me was something I had never felt before. I sensed his lips travel lower and felt him inhale the scent of my exposed neck. All conscious thoughts I might have still had dissipated at that moment and my senses overwhelmed me.

All I wanted... was him. 

53.2 Kgs. That's my number today. Spring break was just a way of letting shit hit the fan and throwing all consequence out the window. I had planned my spring break to be super productive, full of exercise and trips to the beach or pool with nice abs, but that wasn't the case.
Instead, I spent it reading on my bed or watching Sabrina The Teenage Witch on repeat. I'd have 3 meals a day even if I wasn't hungry. And when I contemplated doing exercise, I preferred to lounge around  because that wouldn't make me sweaty. All that time was wasted. At least I was having fun...
Anyways, I'm spending 2 weeks with my aunt  on very restricted food. I don't think I'll be able to do exercise here, but I won't stop trying! I plan to weigh at least 51.5 at the end of the week. Wish me luck!

 

  

 

 

Is anybody out there? 'Cause I don't see any new #entries :(

Where is everyone? It's been about 1-2 weeks since I last saw a new blog entry, FatPiggy and Calla haven't posted in 2 weeks - 1 month (almost!). I guess the whole 'writer's block' is affecting the majority of bloggers...
I've changed my goal weight. Instead of Reading 43 kilos like the past few years, it now reads 45. Woah...! Yeah... I know... doesn't seem like a whole huge change or anything, but I've finally come to realize that I will most likely never weigh within that number. Imagine, two or three years ago was when I wrote that number down, smiling to myself and visualizing myself in the future. I was 15 years old. No way am I the same size (height wise) as that girl. Maybe that's the reason why I look skinnier even though I weigh the same 51 kilos as that time. At this weight, I was a fat Little chipmunk-cheeks.
I haven't been thinking about my weight recently, because I don't want to get bummed out and stuff.
Spring Break is around the corner, people!
Woohooo!
\(^0^)/

No Food Next Week?

It's been nearly 24 hours since I last ate (2 more hours to go), and i don't feel even a tiny bit hungry. I did have some coffee in the morning, so I guess that could be why.
I haven't written in this blog because I went up and maintained 53 kgs for 2 months or so. I didn't see a need to write since I was a fatty mcfatterson. Anywhore, I'm aproximating a loss of 3-5kgs this coming week since my food is scarce and I didn't go back home this weekend. My uncle got sick and my aunt told me that until he got better we would be staying. Well, I could go if I wanted to, but I chose not to go. The pros are that I have time to study for my upcoming exams and lose weight like a boss, plus I don't waste money on transportation fees. I want to save that money to get my roots done. I also haven't been Reading blogs because I don't want to see how good other people are doing while I just eat.
The other day, As I was heading out to the crafts store, The window reflected my image and I nearly took a few steps back. I don't know if it was the tennis shoes or the pants, but my legs looked so skinny..! It was at that moment that I realized that what I saw was never what people saw. I might be fat in my eyes, but look sickly to someone else. I spent the rest of my way to and from the crafts store hiding my legs, afraid of stares people could give me. That is how I sometimes feel I'm getting better regarding my body image. Slowly, I start to open up to the other image the world has. Maybe I'm okay like this.... but then I don't fully open up to their picture. "I could look better if I was skinnier."

She whispered into my ear and I voluntarily shut myself off from humanity.

 

The following is a short story I made a while back, describing the struggles most of us with eating disorders have.

The monster unleashed itself after having been locked away for such a long time. The poor girl could only look through the bars of her cell, watching as the monster she had feared so much take control of everything that was once hers.

She sobbed and pleaded to be let out, but the abomination only turned its ugly head and smirked, all the while committing the sin it had waited anxiously for after being kept away. The cell shook vigorously as the tear-drenched girl tried every way possible to regain control. She screamed. She cried. She begged.

But the monster was not letting down just yet.

It turned around and walked back to the metal chamber, looking through the bars at her screaming victim. The dejected girl laid on the floor of the cell, covering her head as she sobbed in agony.

It gripped the fierce iron bars and sneered, enjoying how her young prey’s sorrow enveloped her mind.

“You honestly didn’t think you could keep me forever locked away?

I will fulfill my desire and watch as your face contorts in pain.

I am a part of you that will never go away,

And even as hard as you try to push me out,

I will remain.”

The child raised her head in anguish, and watched as the face of the monster slowly contorted into sinister smile.  It pulled away from the cold bars and laughed as it continued the ridiculous torture.

She pushed against the bars and let a hand through, outstretched. Thinking, all the while, she could convince it of relinquishing control.

“Stop this torment… Please!”

But the beast only kept on smiling, tearing her soul apart by the sin.

The child’s hand slowly regained its position at her side as her crying faded away into silence. It was a waste of time to argue; the monster had no intention of listening or stopping by any means.  That is, until it could ensure the young woman’s zealous guilt. She slid to the floor, knees supporting her body as her eyes observed the current scene before her.

Dainty hands grasped the cold rails separating her from her fear.

She understood now.

The girl could do nothing.

1 · 11 · 2014

 

 

She covered her eyes now. The cell was no longer a sturdy keepaway to trap her in; its door had become loose and now dangled from its hinges, creaking ever so slightly. There was no monster anymore, either. But the evidence of the reign lay there, scattered on the floor in obvious disarray.

Everything was silent.

Slowly, the child glanced up from her position on the cold, iron floor. Noticing there was no longer any fierce beast; she got up and walked to the broken cell door. Pushing it aside gently, the young girl bowed her head and passed out of the opening, looking around at the scenery for the first time.

A small hand clasped the owner’s mouth in shock.

“I.. didn’t… no…”

The girl fell to her knees and grabbed her head, unbelieving. Those gentle, doe eyes filled with tears and sad disbelief. She couldn’t grasp what she was seeing.

“No… Why…?”

Loud sobs filled the room which had once held silent air, and the girl crumbled in pain.

She had lost control again.

She was weak.

She was disgraceful.

The only other inhabitant of the room laughed lightly, making the distraught woman turn her head. There, in the once broken jail cell, was the thing she feared the most, now smiling and holding onto the restored iron rails.

It locked eyes with her fiercely, as it spat out its next words.

“Oh, my pretty. Crying, are we not?

You have gained control, and I have been stopped,

but don’t worry, my dear—

for I will never be gone.”

1.13.2014

 

She knew what it meant. In her head, in her heart, she would never be the only one.

The other girl, the other figure would always be in the places she had grown to love. She was nothing without this monster, and this monster was nothing without her.

When had it inhaled its first breath? When exactly had it whispered its first word in her mind? Slipping silently into the vacancy of her thoughts, polluting her soul and swallowing her heart whole. The girl hadn’t realized when exactly it had taken place.

The beast was such a conniving monster, twisting pure and innocent thoughts into wretched, painful beliefs… and the poor girl hadn’t even caught on until it had seeped into her heart, mind and soul, twisting and turning into them like a rose’s thorny stem, until it had eventually become a crucial part of them. As much as the beast lay subdued in the cold, iron cell, there was no chance it would ever disappear.

She would never know the feeling of true solitude.

Wherever she went, the beast would follow, mouth dripping with mal intent and the spiteful smile always in place, whispering and murmuring into the child’s ear. Would she lose control today? Would the cell doors open without warning? As much as the iron cell lay sturdy, the monster waited for control… for the exact moment where it could torture the girl’s mind and twist her heart whole, letting her experience the agony and exasperation of becoming trapped, being in a place in which you had no power over anything that happened. She would only watch.

The monster licked its lips, savoring every moment of the child’s negative emotions as if they were the most delicious delicacy around. She had no vote now. The beast lay within her, sharing the body it tortured and tormenting the mind and heart that she herself had made available without her immediate knowledge.

The young girl could feel the enjoyment in the monster before her. It was held in the iron cell, but the emotion rolled off in waves, mocking the poor girl in every which way.

The monster was locked away right in front of her eyes, yet she was the one that felt trapped.

12.28.14