Where Are My Pants?

I can happily say that the 48 hour fast was a complete success. So much so, that I lasted 56 hours fasting instead of the 48 hours first programmed. My mom forced the food down my throat that broke my fast. The hours fasting gave such a beautiful feeling, it was as if food was only an indulgence, and not a necessity. I could have lasted longer if it wasn't for that breakfast.
Onto more... sad news. After filling myself up with every single type of food yesterday, my fast began today. Monday and Tuesday would've been strict fast days, then Wednesday would be a 400 cal. max. day, and finally, Thursday and Friday would've been strict fast days as well. Why do I say 'would´ve'? Because, sadly, I had 2 pancakes today, and it hasn't even been 12 o'clock!
To cure this feeling of remorse, I´m going to pretend it never happened. Now Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday will be completely strict fast days. My plan is to come home, do exercise (2 and a half hours worth) take a shower, and give myself a beauty day. As nice as it sounds, I'm really not in the mood at all. Sleeping and watching movies seems more enticing at the moment.
Yesterday was so uncomfortable. I ate without tasting and until my belly was bulging. I couldn't even lie down correctly because it hurt so much. This really did scare me a bit. Why do I punish myself with food? It's as if I need to hate myself, and food is the only way. I couldn't sleep even hours after my last meal, and I can still feel uncomfortable. My double chin is still not visible, which means I haven't gained much weight, but my thighs and stomach state otherwise.
I woke up and got dressed to come to school at 8 am, and as I put my warm sweater on, I frowned at my belly. I took it off and put another one on that had pockets out front so it could hide my stomach better.
I need to put up more thinspo quotes on my bedroom wall.
Mom is preoccupied with money again. It's almost rent day and we haven't got any savings yet.  She just looks on, into space with this empty glance and that makes me worry. I've been biting my fingernails again because of it. She's probably going to ask for a loan or something from one of her friends, like always. We owe a lot of money now.
In august when I get my job at the call center, I'm going to save up some money every month and use that to pay off everyone we know. If my mom can't do it, then I have to buckle my pants and be an adult.
My dad got a job according to my brother. He (my brother) came yesterday and was all weird and asking for a hug from me. If you know me, then you know that I don't like to hug people, and that I don´t like being touched. It was difficult but I gave him a short hug to dissipate the depression from him. He says he was thinking about life and that's what put him in that mood. I said to stop thinking so much and worry about today.
It's almost been a year since I last had contact with my dad. And I don't know if I still hate him, or if I should talk to him. What I do know, however, is that I don't want him to see me this fat. Until I reach my goal of 94 lbs. I would be comfortable enough to think about seeing him.
I guess that's enough for now, ladies, and remember:

15 Hours To Go

I'm 33 hours into my fast, and I don't feel a bit hungry. I can't believe I even lasted 1 entire day without properly having a meal, since the last time I fasted was a long time ago.

Yesterday I had one apple and one small tangerine. I also went to sleep at 9:30 because I was so tired and I needed to cure myself of being sick. It worked! I just have a mild runny nose now, but I haven't taken my pill.
Mom came home after I was asleep, so I evaded the question of, "What did you eat today?" successfully. She told me not to come to school today because of my mild cold, but if I stayed, I would've eaten something. And that is unacceptable. Unfortunately, for me, there was only an orange in the fridge. Mom must've eaten the tangerine :C.
I dreamed about food last night. It's been about 2 and a half weeks since that has happened, so I'm happy! Well, not when I woke up, though. I felt so bad at that time, thinking I really had eaten everything in my dream, but then I realized where I was and breathed a sigh of relief.
The last time I had those dreams were for an entire week, because I had about less than 500 calories a day and I was going to bed hungry. But every single night I would dream of a binge, and every single morning I would freak out, thinking it had been real.
The things about those dreams is that the food tastes exactly like it would in real life; that's what makes it so real when you wake up. The good part is that (well, for me) you feel satisfied after, because it's like you really had a taste of good food. And that helps you for the day of restriction.
Updating later :D
Stay skinny, loves!

*The above quote was taken from a blog I've been reading. It's such a beautiful paragraph, that I decided to make it an image and let you all experience the honesty of it.
If the above quote is yours, let me know! :D

Damage Control

I was bad yesterday night.

Consuming 4 pancakes (complete with butter and chocolate) one piece of bread, 2 eggs with this weird meat and beans, and at last, a hamburger.
My hands were feeding me involuntarily. It was as if I just had to eat everything I could, without even tasting anything. It sucked.
So, I´m fasting for 2 days. Today and Tomorrow (Friday) with only consuming an apple or a tangerine when I'm feeling hungry. Coffee, Tea and Lemonade without sugar will be my companions.
My stomach keeps on grumbling :D lol. Anyways, I have an aproximate of 30 hours left in my fast. The teacher asked if I wanted some cookies but I told her I was a bit nauseous (I was sick in the morning) and she seemed to buy it. Unfortunately, my stomach is really loud. But I don't think she heard anything; we are piled up with paperwork we need to get done.
I still haven't had my apple or tangerine. I'll eat them when I get home, with a cup of lemongrass tea (Yum!) as I watch Supersize vs. Superskinny. Thinspirational, when they start talking about obesity and they show the bodies of people weighed ridiculously huge. Plus, it's an apetite killer when they show their sores and stuff. Yuck.
Today I was watching one of this 5´ 3" girl who weight 6 stone something (like 96 pounds) and I just looked at her and almost spit my coffee out. She had the figure I wanted so bad. Even though they started saying she had the hips of a 60 year-old woman, I wanted it.

The Cookies Smile Back

Hello, my lovelies!
Or, umm, anyone that's reading this blog. It's still cold here in the office even though it's already 5pm and the sun is out. My hands are icicles.
Anyway, I panicked a bit a few minutes ago. As a result, I've eaten 6 cookies the teacher gave me. I haven't eaten all day (until the cookies) and they were just... there, you know? But I feel a bit guilty anyhow. The panic attack was very mild and was brought on by the teacher ravenously searching for a missing document. Since I help out here (service), I felt a bit choked by all the pressure of finding the lost page.
Damn.
I had been so good today.
Have I mentioned that carbs are my weakness? Cookies, pastries, cakes, spaghetti, bread... they are my diet downfall. Sigh.
Ariana came into the office yesterday afternoon. Who is she? Well, she's just a person I know back from middle school, we had friends in common. May I describe her? Or can you guess how she looks?
She's fat. Although, her face and hair are very pretty, her body just screws it up.
Anyhow, she was just sitting there, across from me as I sat on the teacher's chair, waiting for Mr. R. I was doing my job, you know, just chilling.
"You know you look like Michelle Phan."
I turned and looked at her.
"You know who Michelle Phan is, right?"
I nodded. I was feeling lied to, but oh well.
"Yeah, she's that beauty guru who has her-" Interrupted. Who has her own company now, was what I was going to say.
"Really hot boyfriend? I know! He's so hot!"
I laughed. "Yeah."
Well, anyway. I turned to the computer screen and proceeded to finish my work, although my fingers were a bit jumbly on the keyboard because Ariana was looking at me.
"Is your nose crooked?" she asked, in disbelief.
Oh, god, no. Damn. She saw.
"Yeah." I said, sort of sad.
And I kid you not- she started laughing.
My heart just fell. Down below the earth and to the core to burn. What the hell was she laughing at, anyway? My disgrace is not funny, at least I don't think so.
"How did you break your nose?"
I kept looking at the computer screen, "My brother."
She laughed some more. "Your brother? What did he do?"
I did not need to relive the moment of that event. Really, what kind of person laughs at someone else? I could laugh at her, at her fatness, but did I? No. Why? I don't know. She deserves it.
"He punched me."
More laughter.
"In the nose? Woah."
And I held back the tears that were (thankfully) hidden behind my bangs.
She left after that, but the feeling she left behind stayed. I felt ugly, worthless and unperfect. Like always. Like the mirror says all the time.
I feel depressed after writing this. I just want some tea. Or coffee.

Freezing Offices

I hope the above title can tell you about my current location. And it is freezing! :C
I love cold weather and rain much more than the normal sunny days, but I can't even type fast enough because of the cold.
I'm starting a new diet today. After not completing the ABC diet 2 weeks ago, I have come to realize the reason why. I felt as if someone was controlling my food. Yeah, I put myself on the diet, but I felt controlled by someone else. And that is the reason why, I guess I rebelled. That Friday, Saturday, Sunday turned into total binge days and it was hard not to binge on Monday.
Now, I've also realized that if I tell myself that I can eat on weekends (a so-so binge) I do much better Monday thru Friday.
So... Welcome the Weekday Diet!
It consists of consuming less than 700 calories daily with 2 hour excercise routines every other day. The food consumed normally is somewhat of a citric diet: Oranges, tangerines, lemonade (without sugar), etc. And the reason why is because I love these types of fruits. Then, you are allowed to eat Saturday and Sunday (let's face it: our families stuff our face with food every weekend) but you are back on the diet on Monday.
If you have a mini urge to eat something specific, say cookies, or something,  make a list and then decide to eat that on the weekend. It gets you past those difficult times.
Today, I woke up at 6, washed my sheets, made jamaica and sat on my bed with half a tangerine. That was my breakfast as I watched Supersize vs. superskinny. Being so active in the morning made me get my blood pumping and really got me thinking of change.
You see, changing my bedspread was somewhat of a start. Clean, new and beautiful is my goal this year. My bitchitude has got to go already! What is up with my always pissed comments? I've got to be nicer to people. Especially when I misplace my anger and take it out on innocent bystanders.
I'm washing my clothes by hand (I have no washing machine :$) once I get home in the afternoon and having a small sandwich and half the tangerine I left in the morning. It's going to be a productive day!
I am currently nibbling on my orange slices as I watch 'Say yes to the dress'. It's kind of boring to me but somehow, exciting at the same time.
During the entire weekend I read Fake Fading Memories Annamarias blog, and got thinspirated (lol is that even a word?) by all her fashion posts plus travels.
Measurements to come soon!

Tangerine, Anyone?

It's Friday again, only not as disastrous (I hope) as last week.
Last Friday night became a binge day, well if you count Saturday and Sunday in as well I guess you could call it a Binge Weekend. But anyhow, here I am, restricting since Monday. Putting my willpower pants back on and hoping it lasts for a few more days before the inevitable binge comes back.
This week I've consumed 500 cal at the most everyday. It's beautiful to just stand in front of the mirror, raise your top and see your flat stomach. The grin that comes almost immediately is something that can never be compared :D
The quote on the top of this post was something I had written in my weight loss journal a few weeks ago, and I thought, "That's so true". I mean, if you want something bad enough, then nothing else should matter to get to your goal. You must overcome obstacles (in this case, those homemade cookies that seem to just taunt you) and make sacrifices to achieve what you want.
In other news, I think I've lost about 4 or 3 lbs this week. It's not enough, I know, but I haven't been doing exercise so, I think it's reasonable.

Proper Introduction & ABC Diet Day 2

This is the 'trial' version of the diet, the original one is for about... 50 days? But anyhow, I don't think I'd be able to endure 50 days, so I turned to this summary.

Diet Day 1:

Breakfast:

1 Coffee (black, no sugar) - 0 cal.

Lunch:

Nothing.

Dinner:

2 Eggs (whole) - 160 cal.

1 tablespoon of Oil - 126 cal.

1 Flour Tortilla - 100 cal.

Some wotsits here and there - 109 cal.

Day One Intake: 495 cal.

Day One Goal: 500 cal.

Diet Day 2:

Breakfast:

1 Coffee (black, no sugar) - 0 cal.

Lunch:

Sandwich

2 slices of Wheat Bread - 154 cal.

1 tablespoon Milk Cream - 99 cal.

Cheese - 75 cal.

Tomato (slices) - 6 cal.

Lettuce - 15 cal.

Lemonade (no sugar) - 0 cal.

Dinner:

Nothing.

Snack:

A piece of bread - 150 cal.

Day Two Intake: 499 cal.

Day Two Goal: 500 cal.

I guess I've done okay, I mean, I could have eaten less... but at least I didn't go beyond the goal.
Plus, I'm doing some excercise tonight, burning about 330 cal :D

Brief Introduction:
17, female, living in a close continent nearby ;D Currently I'm in High School (last year though!) and I'm going to study Turism or be a stewardess. I'm a bit antisocial sometimes, I prefer to be in my room than outside, I used to be a heavy drinker/smoker/druggie (the last one not so much), and I'm more or less an honor student.
My parents are divorced, I live with my mom (my brother with my dad) and have a year-old cat called Ruki. I love rainy and cold days, and I have this addiction to carbs and sweets. Obsession with weight began when I turned 15, although I didn't know I'd be soo... concerned about it? Anyways, that's more or less me, in a nutshell (i guess).
Tomorrow is day 3: 300 calorie goal.
see you later peeps!
Dream skinny C:

ABC Diet: Day 1

I was passing along a blog the other day (PrettyUnpretty) and I came across the 30 day 'trial' of the ABC diet, so...
I want to try it out.
Day One consists of a 500 or less calorie intake throughout the whole day. Shouldn't be that hard, right?
So, for today, I have planned out my dinner to be aprox. 385 calories, leaving me 115 cal to work with after that.
Here's to hoping willpower comes my way for the month :)
Proper introduction and thinspo to come ;D