Where Are My Pants?

I can happily say that the 48 hour fast was a complete success. So much so, that I lasted 56 hours fasting instead of the 48 hours first programmed. My mom forced the food down my throat that broke my fast. The hours fasting gave such a beautiful feeling, it was as if food was only an indulgence, and not a necessity. I could have lasted longer if it wasn't for that breakfast.
Onto more... sad news. After filling myself up with every single type of food yesterday, my fast began today. Monday and Tuesday would've been strict fast days, then Wednesday would be a 400 cal. max. day, and finally, Thursday and Friday would've been strict fast days as well. Why do I say 'would´ve'? Because, sadly, I had 2 pancakes today, and it hasn't even been 12 o'clock!
To cure this feeling of remorse, I´m going to pretend it never happened. Now Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday will be completely strict fast days. My plan is to come home, do exercise (2 and a half hours worth) take a shower, and give myself a beauty day. As nice as it sounds, I'm really not in the mood at all. Sleeping and watching movies seems more enticing at the moment.
Yesterday was so uncomfortable. I ate without tasting and until my belly was bulging. I couldn't even lie down correctly because it hurt so much. This really did scare me a bit. Why do I punish myself with food? It's as if I need to hate myself, and food is the only way. I couldn't sleep even hours after my last meal, and I can still feel uncomfortable. My double chin is still not visible, which means I haven't gained much weight, but my thighs and stomach state otherwise.
I woke up and got dressed to come to school at 8 am, and as I put my warm sweater on, I frowned at my belly. I took it off and put another one on that had pockets out front so it could hide my stomach better.
I need to put up more thinspo quotes on my bedroom wall.
Mom is preoccupied with money again. It's almost rent day and we haven't got any savings yet.  She just looks on, into space with this empty glance and that makes me worry. I've been biting my fingernails again because of it. She's probably going to ask for a loan or something from one of her friends, like always. We owe a lot of money now.
In august when I get my job at the call center, I'm going to save up some money every month and use that to pay off everyone we know. If my mom can't do it, then I have to buckle my pants and be an adult.
My dad got a job according to my brother. He (my brother) came yesterday and was all weird and asking for a hug from me. If you know me, then you know that I don't like to hug people, and that I don´t like being touched. It was difficult but I gave him a short hug to dissipate the depression from him. He says he was thinking about life and that's what put him in that mood. I said to stop thinking so much and worry about today.
It's almost been a year since I last had contact with my dad. And I don't know if I still hate him, or if I should talk to him. What I do know, however, is that I don't want him to see me this fat. Until I reach my goal of 94 lbs. I would be comfortable enough to think about seeing him.
I guess that's enough for now, ladies, and remember: