Cute, Random and Interesting Images: Post One

 

 

I'm Not Giving Up, Yo.

God. I don't know what to write. What can I say? I feel like a fucking cow. Not only am I bloated 'cause I'm on my period, but these cheeks are no joke. I can mentally feel cellulite gathering on my thighs... Yeah, it's crazy but I'm just about ready to go on America's biggest loser. I feel like a 250lb obese person who can't stop eating cake.
It's been a fucking week since I arrived home, but my diet has yet to begin.
This morning I actually stopped and thought to myself, "Are you going to continue on as this fat fuck?".
I'm disgusted with food right now, but I don't know how long it's going to last. It will only be a few short hours before I open that refrigerator door and have the final slice of that birthday cake. I know this, but I have absolutely no control over my mouth any longer.
I was thinking of fasting tomorrow since my mom has a gig for almost the entire day... but I think I'll just rinse out my entire system with the Hibiscus Tea (Click here to a past post on how to make this!) and... yeah. Fuck this shit. I'm fasting tomorrow until my mom shoves a pancake into my mouth. I'll start with my last meal tonight and begin counting the hours. Hopefully I manage 30 or 35 hours. I'll fake meals even if my mom tells me to eat. Lemons and Coffee will become my best friends.

Talking about my mom, she just bought some diet pills from my aunt some... 3 days ago? Anyway, I don't know where the hell my aunt gets them (I guess you could say she 'knows people') because I have never fucking heard the majority of them and I doubt they are even listed on the internet. Plus, one was banned in the US? 4 years ago my mom used the one that had been banned and she became suuuper skinny. I guess she's had an effect on my body image.. anyways, the one she got this time was from African Mango(?) and I don't think it's working, because she's still hungry and stuff. The other one killed the taste of food, so she didn't feel tempted to eat anything. Just smoke. And drink coffee.
It's funny, because I overheard the convo with my aunt and I was all, "If you just wanna slim down, stop fucking eating fattening shit. It's gonna save us the cost of those pills plus the food you would be eating." And she's all, "The reason I want the pills is because I'm going to stop smoking, and if I stop smoking I'm going to start eating and gaining weight."
Yeah. sure.
She's been smoking more now than when she wasn't taking the pills. She just likes to humor me.
God. I saw myself in the mirror yesterday and my face is no longer V shaped. it's now like a U. Fucking chubby hamster cheeks.

A Collection Of Thinspo: Post One

 

Reverse thinspo? No need to look it up! Your family will do it for you!

A quick post before I go back home :)
I think I'm lying to myself regarding food. When my aunt and uncle leave to get some errands done, I sneak into the kitchen and grab something to eat. I hide it in my room and eat it secretly. Yesterday, I stopped as I ate a cookie and thought. From whom am I hiding from? My aunt and uncle won't think it's weird if I go to the kitchen to get a snack, so why am I sneaking around? The only person I'm harming is myself. Do I do this to somehow validate eating? I mean, I'm sneaking around so I must not be eating much... Am I hiding from myself?
The night before last I was on facebook, you know, just scrolling down to see what people had been up to... when I came across a new thanksgiving album one of my aunts (Who live in another country) had barely posted. Immediately, my eyes went to these pictures:

 

This is my cousin, Jackie, favorite niece of my aunt CC and Susie. They always go on and on about how beautiful she is and how much they miss her. Whatever. She used to kick me when we were sleeping. Bitch.
Anyways, as soon as I saw them *the pictures* I was all, oh my god. She has never ever been skinny, but she has known which way to turn when the camera is shooting her way, so she doesn't look fat. The first picture doesn't do her much justice, but her long skirt did come in handy to hide her fatty lower half. This is why I have to lose weight in time for the holidays. My aunt CC usually takes surprise photographs and posts them on facebook the next day, making you think over your last binge. The camera adds 10 lbs, and even in last year's photos I look somewhat fat. But anyway, glad I'm not her!
Is it bad that I added these pictures in my 'Reverse Thinspo' folder?

Too Late To Re-do

So I guess I was right. The reason I was gaining was because I hadn't gone to the restroom, so all the food was building up. It's kind of sad to realize it now because I guess I got a bit depressed (?) and thought I was actually gaining... so I kind of binged. Well, I guess there's nothing much I can do now but prepare myself for next week. I have mentally noted that I will not be able to lose any weight this week, since my aunt is always knocking on my door to see if I'm going to have breakfast/dinner with her. See? Two meals a day. Waaay more than I was eating while in school. But there's no way to get out of this, so the only thing I can do is download a ton of thinspo and read alot of blogs for motivation next week.
My aunt CC was telling me that she had dreamt that she was eating a big bowl of beans and when she was about to have the last spoonful, my grandma had taken her plate away.
"I was so traumatized! When I woke up I was all depressed."
This is the reaction from the remark my grandma made the other day regarding her diet and weight, I guess. At least that sort of triggered her to begin eating less.
I'm leaving tomorrow (finally) back home! It's going to be so cooool to be without stress :) That reminds me, I have to feed my cat and get him fat. Being fat only looks good on animals, not people. I was seeing reverse thinspo yesterday, and wow. It was traumatizing.
Important Note:*I do not shame fat people. It's just a way I have of making myself aware that I can be like that if I keep eating like this. Awarness to prevent myself from wandering off the weight loss road.
It's almost been a year since I completed my 56 hour fast. I think I'll do another fast soon this month, and to conmemorate the beginning of my weight loss journey next week, I'll get a piercing :) It makes me focus more on my goals, and I can't just brush it away lightly, like I would a bracelet.

Eating Less But Still Gaining?

What the hell is up with my body? It's been 2 fucking times I've weighed myself and each time I weigh even higher. I've been eating waaaay less than usual, but even so, I've gone from 51.5 to 51.7 and yesterday 52.0. I just don't understand. Or could it be that my body is metabolizing every single meal I've had (my digestive stract is a bit slow) and I haven't gone to the bathroom in a while. I guess this is the only logical explanation as to why I'm gaining.
I should continue to eat less even if the number on the scale is higher, once I go to the bathroom, I'm sure I'll get rid of it.
Today I'm going to go to school to check my English grade, and that means that I'm finally done with school until January 19th. Yay! I can't wait to go back home and have fun with my family. Plus, lose weight. My mom is still rehearsing every day of the week from 7 to 11pm, so I'll finally have time to excercise again!! Yay!! I haven't excercised here because the Wall of my room is just a huge window, so my aunt and uncle would be able to see me. You know how hard we excercise, so I can't let them see me like that. They'd think I was crazy or something.
I was hoping to weigh 48kg on Saturday, but because of these change of events, I guess even reaching 50 is imposible. Plus, I need to stock up on other weight loss blogs to boost my metabolism. There are tons of things I need to do to prepare for Christmas, and that includes reaching my goal weight. In October, when I was weighing 49.3, my hands were so skinny! You know the part that connects your thumb to your wrist? Well, my skin was sucked in there and my grandma looked at my hand and said, "Ugly, sickly hands." I loved it. Not her comment, but the way my hands looked. I'm still skinny there but not as much as it used to be. I miss that. Anyhow, I just have to get my willpower pants back on and be strict with my goals. There is hardly any food there anyways. That means that binge sessions will be pretty much nonexistent. The downside is that there isn't a scale at home, so I won't know my weight. But I will take pics to check my progress.

 

My aunt just told me yesterday that she's lost 4 pounds in the past week and a half. I asked her what she was doing differently and she just laughed and said, "Cookies. I haven't had cookies or other types of pastries in a while!" Although, I think she'll be gaining that weight back, seeing as my uncle bought a huge box of cookies last night. Last week, my mom was telling me that my grandma had made an unkind remark to my Aunt and how she hadn't lost weight. She (my grandma) was saying that my aunt was still eating as if she was preggo, and that it was time for her to actually lose weight. My grandma is very strict in terms of eating well and having a nice body. She's been saying I look bad 'weight wise' so I guess I look too skinny for her? Anyways, my aunt was all trying not to cry, saying "Well if my husband hasn't said anything..." You know. The common 'if my husband doesn't say anything... 'I guess he's okay with me like this,' or 'I am staying like this until my husband says something.' My grandma said that if she didn't hurry up, my uncle was going to start looking at other girls' bodies and that she (my grandma) didn't want the weight to become an issue in their relationship.
I can somehow agree with my grandma. Not the husband part, but the part of 'its time you lose weight.' My aunt eats 3 huge meals a day, snacks in between. She's been breastfeeding because she Heard that it helps you lose weight, but seems sad to see she doesn't lose any weight. It might be all the shit you eat every day! Hello! It doesn't take a genius to figure that out. Anyways, she's finally cut down to just 2 meals a day, almost no snacks in between. Almost, okay? They bought a packet of doughnuts the night before last, at like... 10pm.
Plus, when I was walking back from school like 2 months ago, I passed this garage place where tons of middle aged chubby ladies had on their loose White shirts and leggings (you could see the cellulite gathered on their thighs) and were dancing Zumba. Ugh! It was saddening (but funny) to watch. At that point I made a promise to myself to never become that kind of middle aged lady, trying to lose weight in order to please my husband... that was probably off with some other woman at that moment.

Fucking Teacher Morons (Plus, a mini-binge)

I had the intention of writing yesterday, but I was too nervous about my grade in Math (which I went to school to check today) which also means that I sort of had a mini-binge. It wasn't anything fattening (like cookies or cakes, you know, what I usually binge on) but just normal food. And it wasn't huge amounts of it either, just many small meals throughout the day... plus 3 huge oranges.
Anyways, I'm back in my aunt and uncle's house this week because I still had one more week of college left. It's basically just to check grades and stuff, so we're only going on the days and class schedule we have to see our final grades. I was super worried about failing Math, but I got 70, which is better than what others got. To tell you the truth, I wasn't happy with my grade only because there were people who scored even lower than me in almost every single assignment (not to mention the final exam) and they scored 71. The teacher is a fucking moron, but whatever. I know I didn't actually learn anyth much.
Almost all my teachers are fucking morons. Last Monday, we had Accounting as our first hour and only people that wanted to give a general look-see in what we had to study for the final exam went. Of course, I went. Well what do you know? The teacher comes in a half fucking hour late with an exasperated look on her face, telling us that our final exam was in a half hour. God, she's so... stupid. So, anyways, the majority of us (I guess) didn't know anything. I have to check my grades on that tomorrow as well. And you know what the unfair part is? The rest of the class, the ones that didn't come that day because they were too lazy to come got to do it yesterday. Of course, we told them what was on the test and stuff, so it's pretty hard not to get 95 or 100.
Now, our Management teacher is so unpredictable, plus a bitch. We're getting points knocked off our final grade because we didn't go today to class. Sounds logical, no? Well not if I told you that the teacher said we didn't have anything else to come to class to. She hardly ever goes to class and now she's getting strict with us? Fucking menopausal old woman.

In other news, I'm weighing in at (well I weighed on November 30th) 51.7 kg. Fucking last week and it's weekend binges. Christmas is just 23 days away and I'm not close enough to my goal. At least I'm not weighing in at 52.5 kg, which used to be my normal weight after a bingefest. Just one thing to be grateful for.
It's also almost new years and I guess I  just achieved one of last years resolutions: Coloring my hair an exotic color. Should I even write out my new year's resolution? It's normally almost always the same: Lose weight, get abs, be more kind, finish learning my new language, yadda, yadda, yadda. I never make it come true.

Like Any Other Day

"The meal isn't over when I'm full.

The meal is over when I hate myself." 

 



 You've been such a bad girl.

Almost December; The Internal Fight With Oneself

There's a part of me that still shakes her head whenever I eat anything. "Fast," she says.

 

 

I'm leaving on monday to go back home with my mom for Winter break. Finally! All those freaking nights thinking about why the heck I entered college are finally *almost* done. I was getting tired of thinking about my life and exactly what I'm doing with it... now I can just enjoy my time with my mom and family and not think about school. It's my last week and I've finished all my homework, but I just need to study for my math and accounting exams.
I'm not actually sad for these past few months because I actually did acomplish something. It might not be much, but I've managed to stay in the 50kg range instead of the 53kg one I had been on before college. At least it's something.
I've been thinking of fasting since last week, but I feel there's something wrong with me. Now, I can't actually last long without eating something small. There is some guilt involved whenever I eat but it's not as extreme as it used to be. During those times, I would shake, sweat and cry if I had even one small potato chip. I'm glad I'm getting better, but I feel there's still something missing.
I really wanted to reach my 48 kg goal (GW1) by monday, which means that I would have to lose 6 lbs in 5 days. Possible? Absolutely. I just want to go back home skinny so that everyone talks. Although, as I said, they would only criticize. Plus, It would scare my mom, and I don't really want to upset her. Only then I think, 'This is something I want, why do I worry about them? It's my body.'

Well I'm off to read some fantasy/romance novels. Anything more interesting than my life xD

Peace Out .V..

Everything around me is foggy... I can't see where I'm headed.

I am so confused.
For years I have tried to be perfect, or at least the kind of person I had always thought as of being my future. Yes, the perfect girl in my eyes. Smart, beautiful, kind and thin. I had always thought that was what everyone wanted. The kind of person everyone would admire. I would be her.
I tried, and I don't know... I'm skinnier than I have *almost* ever been, but no one celebrates me, or smiles at my achievements. Where did I go wrong? I feel invisible.
Even now, when I look in the mirror, my thighs almost don't touch anymore... and even so, I still think of myself as repulsive. I don't even know what the hell I want anymore, or where in the heck I'm headed. I don't know what to do or which way to turn. I don't know exactly who I am.
It seems that everything I have ever thought to be true... isn't anymore. This is making me confused. I've been beating myself up for years trying to be this *perfect* person, and she's still out of sight. I don't have the strength to wash my face, or dress up and go to parties even though I'm finally skinny. It feels like my whole life I've just been wandering place to place, a forgetful face in everyone's lives. The kind of person someone looks at a picture of and asks, "Who's that?" with a response of, "Who knows?". I never wanted to be this person. But yet... here she is.
People look at me. Yes they do. But only to say, 'She's gotten too skinny' with a shake of their heads. Why are you changing your ideas, people? Why are you finally saying it's wrong to be like this? I thought that's what you guys wanted. There had been remarks in the past of 'you're eating too much, you know.' I obeyed, and now everyone Is shaking their heads? I'm even skinnier than that b*tch of a cousin, and now everyone is looking and complimenting her. I'm just a passing spirit. I feel so alone. What did I do to deserve this? I've been strong and overcome so much more than the normal person, with discipline I've been killing myself slowly while the others just cry and whimper about how they haven't had breakfast yet and it's already noon.
How am I supposed to live in order to be acknowledged?!?
I'm tired of this game with the rest of the world. Ah, I don't know. Maybe it's just a game with my mind. Maybe I'm just going crazy. Maybe I really am a passing spirit, meant to mark a little of everyone's lives, but never get anywhere or achieve anything myself. Ah, destiny. You are so cruel.

 

 

Everything was black and white.

Ugly and pretty,

Fat and skinny.

Don't eat too much,

just eat a little.

Follow these rules,

and you will be beautiful.

 

 

 

Why is it that now it doesn't seem to be the case? Is there something I missed? Something I overlooked? Or is it that it's simply not my destiny?

For The First Time: Measurements

Never have I ever posted anything even closely relating my measurements (for fear of the numbers and people's reaction), but I need to post it to focus more on my goals.
It's 11pm and I'm starving... which is good.
So here they are:

May 15th, 2014

51.8 kg
Bust: 32
Waist: 25
Hips: 36

June 26th, 2014

52.5 kg
Bust: 32
Waist: 25.5
Upper thigh: 21
Lower thigh: 15
Arms: 9.5

Hips: 35
*note: taken after having lunch.

September 28th, 2014

50.7kg
Bust: 31.5
Waist: 25
Upper thigh: 20.5
Lower thigh: 15
Arms: 9.5
Hips: 31 and 34.5

October 2nd, 2014

49.7 kg
Bust: 31
Waist: 24.5
Upper thigh: 20
Lower thigh: 15
Arms: 9.25
Hips: 30.5 and 34

November 12th, 2014

???
Bust: 31.5
Waist: 25.5
Upper thigh: 20
Lower thigh: 15
Arms: 9
Hips: 31 and 34.5

I haven't weighed myself because I haven't gone to the restroom for a few days and I feel like I have an alien inside me! That could be why my waist went up a little.

"You can come over and we can have pizza!"

Is what my brother told me yesterday.
Sadly, I was contemplating having the entire box and savoring every single bite... but my brain reacted and I came up with a lame excuse. Something about it raining and car accidents happening.
I feel bad about that because my brother wanted some company, I guess. But on the way home, there was a car accident blocking the street. A sign? Who knows.

Last week, I went back home from Thursday to Sunday. Havoc was unleashed... in the form of out-of-control binges. It's hard to pull yourself away from that entirely once the action has almost turned into a tradition.
So, how much do I weigh on this cloudy Tuesday afternoon? Who knows. I've been avoiding the digital scale every time I see it in the bathroom. I'll weigh myself tomorrow morning before school. Hopefully it's not too bad.
My friend, Zara might come Saturday and stay over until Sunday. We're supposed to go to a party and get extremely wasted, but her parents haven't given her permission. They said, "We'll see." Which is the code word for "I'll just use this as a way for you to behave this week and torture you." Ah, classic parents.
But how would I know? My parents are divorced! xD
If she really comes, I have to be super skinny by Saturday... weighing almost 48 kgs. I don't know how I'm gonna do it, but it has to be done. I also got my roots retouched and my hair dyed, but I don't actually like it. It's like this greenish grayish blonde and I haven't cut it in ages. Ahhh! Someone give me willpower!

In other news, my aunt Susie said I was too skinny. I, of course responded (in my head) with a snort and a shaking of my head. Too skinny? Ha! What is with you people? I'm just average.
So here's how the convo went:
*My aunt was giving me some white cargo pants that were too tight for her.

S: You know what? I'm going to give you these white jeans that don't fit me at all. Your aunt Mary gave them to me, but the pants don't look good on me...

Me: Cool! What kind of pants are they?

S: They have these cool pockets on each leg. Since it didn't fit me, your aunt Mary was all, "You should give them to Roxie." But I told her I wouldn't know if they fit you, you know, since you're really skinny now-

 Me (incredulous): Skinny? For reals?

S (taken aback): Yeah. Your face is like more V shaped and in general, you're skinnier...

Me *talking to myself*: What do people see that I don't?

So she gave me the cargo pants, and as she had predicted, they were loose on me. Oh, well. I'd rather be skinny than have the body to fit those jeans.
I guess that was more or less my entire weekend, in a nutshell. I just hope that I can think before having an extra serving of food at lunch.
I have to keep my mind on my goal! 48, here I come!

best wishes, little foxes!

Tomorrow Is a New Day

... So I'll just finish inserting this cookie in my mouth and not freak out.

I don't know what happened. As soon as my aunt and uncle drove off on Friday, I hurried to the kitchen and picked up a packet of cookies. Well, 3 packets... that same day.
The next day I found myself patroling the inside of the fridge, littering my plate with all sorts of foods and eating in front of the television as The Big Bang Theory came on. My plate was soon wiped clean and I was satisfied.
It wasn't for long, though. My belly was bulging but I had a need to eat more. I thought Sunday was going to be the day I fasted, but I was proved wrong as I opened yet another packet of cookies.
But Tomorrow is a new day, and I will become a better person tomorrow and focus on my goals. It's been too many days of messing up. This stops here.
Maybe I'm freaking out because I might see my friend for the first time in 3 years this weekend. She might also stay over and I feel like such a failure. Zara is actually much more prettier tan when we were freshmen together. She went blonde, got some piercings and finally took advantage of her Brown-Green eyes. Just saw a picture she posted on Facebook. Damn, she looks great.
And here I am, feeling like a fat slob that couldn't (or wouldn't) get anything done this weekend. Oh dammit. I'll get everything done this week before the party on Saturday.
To make myself get disciplined this week, I've reserved a date in the beauty salón to get rid of my roots and a new haircut. But that haircut will only work if my face is super thin by saturday... else I'll look even fatter. Anyhow, it's nice to look forward to change. The good kind, that is. I want to show my friends how awesome I got. Especially Zara.
I just have to survive until Thursday. And not eat like, anything until saturday night, when we´re out drinking. They haven't confirmed anything yet, but I hope they do soon or else I'll get nervous and eat more than a grown elephant can digest.
Sigh. I can do this. I can do this. I CAN DO THIS.

Wish me Please send me determination girls. Even telepathy is acceptable :)

Have you guys seen these pictures of asian magazines? I mean, they're even shorter than me but I wish I had their bodies.

Feeling Huge, But The Scale Says Otherwise

49.3

 

The weird thing is that I feel the same as when I weighed 52.

After my last blog post, I did end up visiting my mom until Sunday afternoon, which meant that I would be eating more than my 'normal' quantity of food. Naturally, I ballooned up to 52kg (I think. I didn't weigh myself because I knew I would be dissapointed) and it's been a steady walk down back to this gorgeous number. I can only think about if tomorrow I'm going to weigh 48. God! I haven't seen 48 in such a long time! Keep your fingers crossed!
College is stressing me out. I just had an Administration exam this morning, and I have a ton of things to turn in. Apart from that, I have take the departamental (the most important) exams soon and actually get a good grade on 'em.
Which means more weightloss, so all is cool.

Oh my god. This change in Schedule is killing me! Now it's barely 10:30 and I feel like sleeping forever.

Inspecting Every Little Bone

Just here to say that I'm weighing in at 49.7kgs!
Down from last blog post: 0.8kg.

 

I felt so happy standing on the scale with that number looking up at me. My aunt and uncle were asleep on their bed, so they didn't hear my little squeals of delight xD
I'm on my way to class right now, although it's only going to be 3 hours' worth. Tomorrow I don't have classes, and neither on Friday... so Imma skip Saturday's class as well and go visit my mom.
I just need to ask my aunt and uncle when they're leaving, and if I can hitchhike xD Hopefully they don't say no.