The Red Lines On My Wrist

It feels like forever since I've written here. My weight has gone up and down the same 6 pounds as always, and I felt too much of a failure to write down in this blog. Today I'm weighing in at 52.5 kgs (late afternoon weight) when I weighed 51.7 Friday night.
I hate my eyes. They see the same girl in the mirror even if the scale says otherwise. Will I ever be able to accept myself? Sometimes I just feel like giving up; I hate myself anyways, what's a few more pounds of hate to my body?  I always look fat. There isn't a time when I feel slim.
That's because you aren't.
Her voice has faded over the past 3 years and I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad one. I feel okay that the fear of food doesn't cause me to shake or make my heart beat accelerate anymore. I try to calm down and let the rational side of my brain think about my intake in a more normal way.
Prom is 8 days away, and I don't want to be fat. Actually, I don't really care about prom... just my birthday, which is 18 days away. I want to give the 15 year-old me the gift she's been waiting for 3 entire years. To be skinny. Why? because she deserves it.
I haven't seen my father in a year and a half, and now he's trying to lure me back into his life. I have no time for narcissistic people anymore. And I just can't take it. Can't he understand he needs to leave me alone? I'm tired of all the drama surrounding him and his deformed vision of the world.
Cutting seems to alleviate the pain sometimes. Other times, it's just a good form of discipline.