Hippo-cryte

After a week of trying to eat 'normally' I have ballooned up to 54 kg... I think. I don't have a scale so there is no way of knowing for sure, but I can feel it's somewhere there.

I'm tired of feeling hate every single time I look in the mirror. I haven't full-out restricted because (as wierd as it sounds) I'm scared of fearing food, like I used to.
Yesterday I was close to a breakdown, but I stopped myself before my mom saw me.
I will not cry because of my weight ever again. I will act. Today was my last day of eating 'a normal range' of calories. Tomorrow will be a new day.

I got wasted on Saturday night with my uncle, his friends and my cousin May. She ended up vomiting in my grandma's toilet and then fell asleep on my uncles bed. Some guy was all giving me a lecture on drugs and how it's bad to do it... blah, blah, blah. That really got me out of the partying mood, and I stopped drinking then. The funny part was that at the end of the party, I went to say goodbye to the drug lecture guy but he was sooo wasted to acknowledge me. He was lecturing me on drugs, but there he was, almost falling off the balcony and slurring words out. I laughed internally once I went home. That's my last time listening to hipocrytes.
My family is having a mother's day BBQ today, well right now, actually as I write this. I have this cousin called 'Lizby' who's body looks exactly like mine when I was her age. It's such a reverse thispiration to be here, watching her. She's not fat, exactly, but she's normal.
Zara had rice only when we sat down on the dining table. She's a 'vegetarian'. I asked her why she was a vegetarian, and she just shrugged her shoulders and said, "Just because." I asked her mom and she said that it was because she wanted to be skinny. Now, Zara is skinny. She just has big hips and thighs because she's in puberty, and that's how her mom is as well.
I on the other hand, had 1 and a half plates of food. Can you say hippo?
May had 1 plate and said she was really full. I'm going to start dancing to lose those calories stupid old me consumed.
Tomorrow I begin my journey to the girl I want to be. I can't afford to be scared and fat anymore.
I'm sorry mom, if I become what you don't want me to be.