Jinx

Why do I need to hate myself more?

These past 3 days have been binge days, instead of the fasting I had in mind. I'm not even hungry but there is this... need to fill myself up until I feel horrible. Why do I do this?
My mom is going out tonight to rehearse for a gig on Saturday, so I'm going to take the time to detox and get rid of everything in my system. Then I'll fast thursday and friday to be able to get some sushi with May on Saturday. My family is having a birthday party for 3 of my aunts and uncles; the bad thing is that there'll be barbecue and booze. I'll try to refrain from everything as much as I can to get to my goal.

Zara told me I was getting skinnier.

A smile broke out inside me, but outside I acted indifferent. No one must find out about my plans and how tragically skinny I dream to be.

Trying To Measure Up

First day of school returning from spring break today.

I walked into the classroom and the first thing my friend, Lucy says to me is:
"What did you do to your hair?!? You've really dyed it like a slut this time!"

Not what you want to hear first after dying your hair... all different. That really brought me down from my cloud, but then again, I don't care about her opinion. Everyone else said it looked really cool. Plus, my brothers' friends were crazy about touching my hair :D
Anywho, onto the title of this post.
Why does it pain me whenever I hear that my cousin (the one that copies me alot) is skinny, or pretty or whatever? Why do I always hate it when people talk about her?
I went to the plaza with my cousin May on Saturday (which turned out to be an awesome night) and my aunt (Let's call her Cc) hadn't seen me for an entire week. Well, the next day, when my mom went to visit her and my grandma, my aunt told my mom to "Be careful, because Roxie is skinnier than when I saw her last." They know about my 'eating problems' (vaguely) because stupid me used to tell them how much weight I had lost that day. My mom told me this, and obviously I was damn happy.
Well today, my grandma was talking about my cousin (let's call her Zara) and that she had gotten skinnier. My brain instantly said,
"Fast. Fast for an entire week, Roxie. Let's see who's skinnier at the end." Which is messed up.
Not fasting, but because the reason Zara got skinnier wasn't because she wants to, but because her mom recently doesn't have any money to eat with.
Anyway, I guess another reason I hate her is because people confuse her with me. My grandma was walking with Zara to go to the doctor, and one of my mom's neighbors asked my mom why I (Roxie) was going with my grandma.

"Why the hell do people confuse her with me?"
"Well, you guys look alike... it's the genes."

She's taller than me. She has black long hair (dyed btw) down to her waist and she's whiter than me. I am a bit shorter than average and I haven't had black hair since I was 14.
I just wish I was skinnier than her.

Weight Today: 52.2 kgs

Must be all the f*cking alcohol I drank on Saturday. No worries. I'll get back to my 101 lb glory days, even though I didn't feel skinny then either. Going to buy Hibiscus while my mother is out singing because she's finding it suspicious.
Yay to no food for the rest few days!

Tip?

I forgot to tell you guys an excellent way of cleaning your sistem out!

Okay so, I went to the mini-market to pick up some groceries my mom sent me for, and the lady there (she's a friend of my mom so she loves to chit-chat) began talking to me about the diet her nutritionist had her on, blah, blah. I just smiled sweetly and encouraged her on her weight loss goal.
So then she gets really near me and says,¨
"I also found a really cool way of just... expelling everything from your intestines."
Just for the record, I have never taken a laxative or vomited (I can't vomit. I tried it but my body does not respond) so this new found information was quite incredibly useful to me.
"How?"
"Well you boil Hibiscus and drink it, like tea, only it has to be super condensed for it to work. It's going to taste really acidic, but you have to bear with it for some 30 minutes."
I was like, really?
So then I bought some and whamo! I was completely rinsed out. But it took about 2 hours and a half for it to work on me, so please do it when no one is around lol.
There you have it ladies, a natural laxative option for your binge days. You are welcome!

Hello 51. Are you here to stay?

Well, it's been a week already.
And I've maintained 51 kg. *sigh* Well, at least it's better than gaining, isn't it?
I was expecting 49 kg at least, but sadly, I binged two times in the past week. It wasn't out of hunger, of course, it was out of.... I don't know, need? A need to hate myself more?
But! Another thing- I've been doing insane leg excercises that hurt like a bitch once I finish them lol. I can feel my thighs bulking up a bit (gross. Not what I want really, but at least I'll burn more fat.) so my weight could be because of muscle mass.

This is me, Roxie Rice :)

Why are my thighs always so... big?
In other news, dyed my hair pink! I don't really like it because I was going for a pastel pink, and my hair turned out neon. People thought it looked nice, actually. I just cringe when I look at the mirror.
I'll post a picture here for a while.
It looks red, but I can assure you it's (or was, the color has already fallen out now, and it's mostly pink and orange) neon pink.
Remember I told you about my chubby 14 year-old cousin, Carol? Well, she stopped living at my grandma's and started living back with her mom and dad, and let me tell you! She's lost like 7kg! About 14 or 15 lbs in 3 weeks! She looks totally great now. She just needs to lose a bit more in her thigh and belly area.
Why do people fatten up when they live with my grandma? LOL She feeds you these huge breakfasts, lunches and dinners that leave your stomach super expanded. Another side effect is that you look pregnant from the first day of your visit. She means well, but it's just torture.
My cousin May and I are going to get wasted tomorrow night, since my mom is going to a wedding to sing. I hope I don't get the munchies or something and end up binging... ugh.
Damned mosquitos. They just can't get enough of me ;)
School starts on Monday and I'm already stressed. I have to study to take my college exam next month and high school finals are around the corner! It sucks so bad.
Well, I guess I'm off to read some more blogs. If anyone knows any Pro-Ana guy blogs, comment with the link, please!
Toodles!
(that was... a weird way of ending my post. Please forgive my sleepy brain.)

Watching The World Pass By

Hello lovelies!
I've finally moved into my new house, where food rules don't exist. Last week I embarked on the journey of a 7 day calorie-controlled diet, which, surprisingly (to me) I followed quite strictly.
I guess we all have that stage where we actually detest food and it also causes disgust (I've been reading other blogs) and that's where I've been.
Now, I don't know how much I've lost, but I'm sure I'm about at 50 or 51 kilos approximately since I don't have a scale at my new home. I came with my cousin, May, to my grandma's to weigh myself, but my uncle and aunt came over so they are currently all chatting it up and laughing like crazy right now. So, pushing the couch over and getting on the scale is an obvious no-no, but the desire is still there. Maybe... but no. No one would understand.
Anyhow, I am completely ready for a fast. Until when?
Well, I was thinking starting tomorrow until I can see bone. Food isn't causing me hunger recently. I've been doing the 'Refrigerator Dance' ever time I go to the kitchen. Nothing is appetizing.
It's a beautiful feeling, but I've gotten scared. I'm scared of going head-first into the eating disorder again, and letting it take complete control of me. But then, there's this voice that says, "That's a good thing, Rox. You can afford to lose all that fat." and "This isn't an eating disorder, it's just a way your body tells you you should finally get skinnier. It's trying to help you, duh."
Anyway, I'm paying attention to the voice and taking advantage of my appetite. I need to see the bones poking through my skin. I want to feel frail, tragic, skinny.
I think this decision to fast is because of yesterday. My aunt Susie came over my house to hang with my mom, and she didn't notice that I lost weight.
I'm going to keep going until people talk and gasp and comment on my complexion... I'm getting my hair dyed blonde, and then pink on Monday, so I need to be skinnier by then. I might post pictures, so stay tuned <3!
It's only one more week until school starts again, and I want to reach 48kg by then. Wish me luck!

Let's Not Auto-Medicate

I just realized something today.

My head was hurting so badly in Physics class and I felt like I was going to faint from tiredness. Because of it, I couldn't even understand the lesson and I was just wishing the time came around to go home so I could take a pill or something.
The time came and I went home, and instead of taking a pill, I fell asleep. Once I woke up, no one was in the house, so I went downstairs for a light snack to cure the tiredness I still felt.
Now, I know eating will not cure that at all. But I keep doing it. You know, auto-medicating with food, which is one huge mistake. Why? Because even with food in your stomach, your symptoms won't go away, so you're left (in my case) with a huge belly and a piercing migraine.
The worst part is that after you eat to cure yourself and the pain still doesn't go away, you say, 'Hmm, I guess I have to eat more...' and you eat. And it still doesn't go away.

I need tea instead of food! I need a box of aspirin as well. With that, I can stop being this huge vat of lard that walks around in loose sweaters so no one can see how horrible she's become.
Ever since I moved in with my grandma, I've gained 8 pounds. That's in a 1 month period. But no worries, (I tell myself so I can stop freaking) I move out in a matter of days. Our new house is still not organized thoroughly but I can prefer that than being in a house that serves 3 meals a day.
When I'm alone, my willpower comes back and I can focus solely on losing weight and pinching myself here and there in front of the mirror. Plus, no one checks what I'm eating, or how strange it is that  I go to the kitchen to serve tea instead of food.

I now weigh 54.1 kilos. I'm just waiting for Ana's voice to become stronger, and break through the chains that keep me tied to disgrace.

Because The Scale Says So : 75 Hours Remaining

53.9 kilos.
That's my weight this morning.
God. Then it really was a good thing that I came up with the fast.
Hoping to be 49-50 on Saturday.

85 1/2 Hours Remaining

Here  I am again, after the supposed ´binge'.
They were only 10 cookies, not a full-out binge. Which is one thing to be grateful for...
Anywho, I have bought 6 citric items for my fast, and I will eat them only when I feel completely and almost faintingly hungry. Other than that, water will have to suffice. And coffee (no sugar) or tea (no sugar).

"You are in control of your decisions, not food. You can get there."

Tomorrow morning I will weigh myself to know my starting weight. Stay tuned!

*I am sooo totally going to come home at 6:30 tomorrow. There is no way I will survive if people are in the house with me, watching my every move.

100 - 14 = 86 Hours

I had every intention of doing it, I really did. But my plans got screwed up.
What went wrong was the timing. I walked into the house at 5:40pm thinking that I had saved myself from any suspicious eyes.
"You came home earlier today, honey. Do you want something to eat? We had..."
Were the first words I heard as I walked in. My grandma and cousin had still not yet left for work, and my mom was there, sitting on the sofa, looking at me.
I had 3 people there, when I had expected none.
"Oh yeah, sure."
I have a fear of getting caught in this 'thing' I do, so I prefered to shake any strange glances out my way.
I sat down.
And ate.
And sighed.
My 100 hour fast would be reduced to 90-80 hours. So here I am people, preparing a binge I know I should not even contemplate doing.
Starting 8pm today, I begin my fast. 86 hours of complete beautification.

The Two-Digit Number That Won't Seem To Leave

Weighed myself today.

Sadly, I've gained my weight back. The weight I was when I started this blog, 53 kilos. Well, actually the scale said 53.1 kilos. Or 117.3 lbs. if you're not familiar with the metric system.
I'm not as angry as I thought I would be because I had expected it. It's the number that always comes up when I've eaten 'normally' for a couple of days. I checked my BMI and... I didn't like it. My ideal weight is 43 kilos, so I need to lose about 20 pounds. It's do-able, but my body can't handle it like it used to.
It's hard to keep up your diet when you're staying with your family, and they usually have 3 meals a day. But it's not impossible.
The only bad thing for me is that this is an extended weekend since Monday is a holiday (?) and no one works or goes to school. So that means that my family will be in the house 24/7, and be yelling at me to 'come down and eat'. But I'll try to keep my willpower strong!
I'll be starting a fast since Monday (If possible) or Tuesday until Saturday morning, very much like my 'tangerine diet' I began this blog with.
I can't weight (pun intended xD) to feel pure and empty for 4 (or 5) complete days. I remember the feeling of my 56 hour fast... I felt beautiful.
As I was sitting in the kitchen after having breakfast with my family, the topic of weight came up (I don't remember why) and my cousin, Carol, told everyone how I had pinched my belly and said, 'What a fat bitch' in front of the mirror the other day. My mom kept looking at me, since she knows about how I used to never eat, but I just casually laughed as if it was something really stupid and ordinary. My grandma said, 'You look good now. Not like when you start losing weight. Your face looks all sucked and gray then, not pretty at all'. I just nodded and smiled. They don't see me the way I do. To me, all this fat needs to be cut or carved out of my body, to make way for a skinnier me. I don't like how I look right now, at all. All this flab is unnecessary, so I'll get rid of it.
The good thing about next week is that I'll be at school  since 7am until 6pm, and when I come back home, no one will be there. That means that I'll be able to fast without any problemo. When my mom asks what I've eaten, I'll just lie and say what I've seen lying on the kitchen that day.
 I watched 'Scouted' on E! today, and I had an insane blast of thinspiration. I truly recommend it for fast days.

Another thing: Here's the picture of the inspiration for my blog. As you can see, it's a Blue Ribbon Bracelet! how original, I know. I'm not Bulimic or anything (I used to only excercise-purge) so it's not simbolic of 'I have Bulimia so I wear a blue bracelet'. It was just a bracelet that reminded me of my goal and my promise to myself of reaching it. Thanks to it, I was able to lose 8 lbs in a matter of days.
Although, I now have to get a new one because this one ripped.

*Oh, about the scale: It's a WeightWatchers scale (digital) that had been unused for a couple of months now because the batteries died. Everyone went to eat tacos tonight (except me!) and I jumped at the opportunity of switching the remote control batteries to the scale, and finding out how much damage  I had made.
I wish for the day when I see '46' on the scale again.

Unbearable Copycat

I hate my cousin. I just hate her so much. My aunt just never stops talking about her and how beautiful she considers her to be.
But it´s not just that. It´s the fact that I´ve made her who she is now. My other (chubby) cousin was telling me the other day that Zuly (hateful cousin´s name) dances "really well".
 Okay. One: The song she danced to was the song I danced to at the family's Chrismas party. She saw me and started learning the steps.
Is it the fact that I hate being compared?
She´s copied everything about me. I liked a certain genre of music people hardly ever listened to, and she criticized me. Now, she´s a fan and thats what she always talks about. I liked anime, and then she liked it. May I repeat, after criticizing it.
What is up with her? Is it that she just aspires to be like me? Or is it envy?
Anywho, I also hate her because she just loves to bring me down from my cloud.
Two years ago, at the height of my ED, when I was losing tons of weight (and binging) she constantly compared herself to me.

"Those jeans are tight on you, huh?"

"Well, I´m pretty because I'm tall."

"I eat everything in sight and I'm still skinny."

"My boobs are bigger than yours."

 Hateful bitch. To which I responded:
1) No, they`re actually a bit loose. (Which they were!)
2) I`d rather be my height and be able to wear anykind of pumps, without thinking if I look taller than my boyfriend.
3) Oh, cool. (But you still don't have an ass like me, flat-ass)
3) Breasts aren't everything in life.

Maybe it's because of the fact that she's 14 and she needs to feel important. This is why I don't see her but on holidays, when the family gathers.
The reason of this post is because of yesterday night. My cousin Carol (the chubby one) told me a few months ago that when she had a sleepover at Zuly's house, she found out that Zuly weighed at 56 kilos. She's tall, okay but I was still happy that she weighed more than me.
So yesterday night, my aunt was telling my grandma that Zuly had lost weight until she was down to 47 kilos. "She kept saying she was getting fat, so she lost weight. Even though I told her it was because she was tall."
What added to my mood was the fact that my aunt talked about it as if she was proud of her.
Which is what pisses me off. When I lost about 18 pounds, people weren't proud of me, they criticized me for being 'too skinny'. And here is my cousin, who is always celebrated in the family, losing weight and not being hated.

I want to be the skinny, pretty one. I want to be the best. I want to be perfection.

It scares me to contemplate that her greediness might even copy my ED. Edna is mine, and if she had her, I don't think I could take it.

Isn't that completely messed up?

Revelations

 

Thank you my dear Edna, for letting me know how disgusting I've become.

Independent Insecurity

Woke up this morning at 5:30 so I could take the bus to my future University and pick up my 'aspiring student' ID for my entrance exam in May. The real life is just around the corner. D:
My mom came with me, although she knows the streets the same as me, which means she doesn't really know the city. After coming back, I can safely say that I prefer the calm, quiet small county life instead of the traffic and car horns.
Anywho, my brother invited me to the pool next week (or next next week) where his entire class is going to de-stress themselves from school. I said maybe. Why? because I feel... unqualified to skimp around in (not a bikini! I would get traumatized!) shorts and a tight shirt seeing as I've been eating compulsively in the past few days weeks. Well, not weeks exactly. Remember when I told you about the guy that likes me? Well, I was eating fine and without any bad thoughts about my weight since my mom and I moved back in with my grandma. Then my cousin's dad died, and since she doesn't have any friends (and she needed some to comfort her) I invited him to the funeral. He came, in his black motorcycle, (dressed as well in black) and started chatting it up with both of us.  Everything was going fine, until he pinched my cheeks and said,

"Well, aren't you getting chubbier..."

 And then he turned around to my cousin and said (while pointing at me),

"Her cheeks are rounder, aren't they?"

 You can imagine the gears in my head turning, and my smile fading off. After that, I started eating like a pig lots.
If only you knew how a simple comment like that is dangerous for people like us. If you only knew how many nights we've cried over our bodies. Or how many cuts and scars we've made to punish ourselves. How is it that you find a comment like that to be funny?
I was this much to telling him about my issues with food and weight but I didn't. He'd think I was stupid.
Back to the pool news, I've decided to diet since tomorrow until the day of the outing because my real love interest (since junior high) is going to be there (the interest was mutual but since I'm so insecure, I let him go.) and I've also decided to make him my boyfriend. After 6 years, I think it's due.
I'm going running on Friday to fight the flab.
This sloth-like state has just got to go already. Willpower, ladies!

 

The Monster That Visits

I just feel sooo tired.
Physically. Not ment- Well, I guess mentally as well. Sometimes I wonder when this hate will leave, and let me be happy.
She responds the instant I think this with, "When you are truly skinny, you will be happy. Since you're fat, you're miserable."
When did I cross this line? Without thinking about it, I quietly stepped closer to the place I am now. Three years ago, I was not this calorie-obsessed depressed teenage girl. I used to laugh at people like me.

"Those girls are so dumb. They're not even fat but they yell and whine about the 'fat' they think they have."

That was me... fourteen year old me. How was it possible that she completely changed me?
Has that happened to you before? How were you before... this?
Now I can't go a day without touching my flab or looking into the mirror and scrutinizing myself. I'm going to change, I think. But then the monster comes out and makes me lose control. And then I hate myself for giving in.
Can you read my emotional note? I've eaten more than I had programmed for the day. I need to change. I need to change. I need to change.
My ideal me? Perfect, of course.
Skinny, smiling beautifully, long hair swishing left and right in tune with my pace. A fun, social butterfly fluttering into the beautiful blue sky as a group of people watch and admire.
I visualize myself at Starbucks, schoolbook wide open at my table as I take a drink of my coffee. A strand of my hair falls onto my face and I gently push it back in place behind my ear. A boy stares at me from across the room, as I keep studying, not taking notice of his longing stare.
But if I don't start today, when will I reach my goal?
A guy likes me. He knows I have relationship issues because I've told him about my past boyfriend.
Here's our last chat 3 days ago:
Guy: So, I'll see you on Saturday? :)
Me: (After panicking) Aww... I'm going to sleep over at my friend's for a girl's only weekend trip.
Guy: u.u I wanted to see you...
Me: I have a really full agenda hahaha
Guy: Forget it.
I obviously made the trip thing up, so I couldn't see him. Why? I have no idea why I always act like that. Maybe because I feel like a failure?

"You wouldn't feel like failure if you were skinny."

 Thank you, Ana Mia Edna (?) for the words of wisdom. Please guide me to perfection, my love.

Behind The Lace Curtains

It's Sunday night, and I'm watching 'Party On' on E! as I read 'Guide To Administration' for my presentation tomorrow. The real life is beginning already. No more putting the books aside and worrying about if the boy looked at you that night, or having fun just watching random cat videos on YouTube. The time when you get your career, meet Mr. Right, get married and have kids is next. And to think I didn't really live up my teenage years... it's just depressing.
Anyway.
It's hard writing here again because I consider myself a mess. A fat, ugly mess. Not in the mental sense, but in the physical way. It's depressing to say that after an entire month I've gained back almost all my weight back. My legs do not look the same since the last time I blogged here. I remember taking of my jeans and looking down at my legs and saying, "Oh my god, my legs are so skinny!". I was also happy they looked like 9-year-old's legs, but then I don't really know what to make of that. It's hard trying to understand myself. Now, I just take of my pants, look down and shake my head.
My stomach is bulging a bit too, but I think that's just because I'm almost on my period.
To make this post a bit short (I have class tomorrow) I guess I'll just say what I've been saying for a while now: "Time to put my willpower pants back on, and lose all that flab."
A longer post with some more interesting comments should be up by tomorrow.
And hopefully, I'll be a few grams skinnier by tomorrow :D