I'm Not Giving Up, Yo.

God. I don't know what to write. What can I say? I feel like a fucking cow. Not only am I bloated 'cause I'm on my period, but these cheeks are no joke. I can mentally feel cellulite gathering on my thighs... Yeah, it's crazy but I'm just about ready to go on America's biggest loser. I feel like a 250lb obese person who can't stop eating cake.
It's been a fucking week since I arrived home, but my diet has yet to begin.
This morning I actually stopped and thought to myself, "Are you going to continue on as this fat fuck?".
I'm disgusted with food right now, but I don't know how long it's going to last. It will only be a few short hours before I open that refrigerator door and have the final slice of that birthday cake. I know this, but I have absolutely no control over my mouth any longer.
I was thinking of fasting tomorrow since my mom has a gig for almost the entire day... but I think I'll just rinse out my entire system with the Hibiscus Tea (Click here to a past post on how to make this!) and... yeah. Fuck this shit. I'm fasting tomorrow until my mom shoves a pancake into my mouth. I'll start with my last meal tonight and begin counting the hours. Hopefully I manage 30 or 35 hours. I'll fake meals even if my mom tells me to eat. Lemons and Coffee will become my best friends.

Talking about my mom, she just bought some diet pills from my aunt some... 3 days ago? Anyway, I don't know where the hell my aunt gets them (I guess you could say she 'knows people') because I have never fucking heard the majority of them and I doubt they are even listed on the internet. Plus, one was banned in the US? 4 years ago my mom used the one that had been banned and she became suuuper skinny. I guess she's had an effect on my body image.. anyways, the one she got this time was from African Mango(?) and I don't think it's working, because she's still hungry and stuff. The other one killed the taste of food, so she didn't feel tempted to eat anything. Just smoke. And drink coffee.
It's funny, because I overheard the convo with my aunt and I was all, "If you just wanna slim down, stop fucking eating fattening shit. It's gonna save us the cost of those pills plus the food you would be eating." And she's all, "The reason I want the pills is because I'm going to stop smoking, and if I stop smoking I'm going to start eating and gaining weight."
Yeah. sure.
She's been smoking more now than when she wasn't taking the pills. She just likes to humor me.
God. I saw myself in the mirror yesterday and my face is no longer V shaped. it's now like a U. Fucking chubby hamster cheeks.