I just feel sooo tired. Physically. Not ment- Well, I guess mentally as well. Sometimes I wonder when this hate will leave, and let me be happy.
She responds the instant I think this with, "When you are truly skinny, you will be happy. Since you're fat, you're miserable."
When did I cross this line? Without thinking about it, I quietly stepped closer to the place I am now. Three years ago, I was not this calorie-obsessed depressed teenage girl. I used to laugh at people like me.
"Those girls are so dumb. They're not even fat but they yell and whine about the 'fat' they think they have."That was me... fourteen year old me. How was it possible that she completely changed me?
Has that happened to you before? How were you before... this?
Now I can't go a day without touching my flab or looking into the mirror and scrutinizing myself. I'm going to change, I think. But then the monster comes out and makes me lose control. And then I hate myself for giving in.
Can you read my emotional note? I've eaten more than I had programmed for the day. I need to change. I need to change. I need to change.
My ideal me? Perfect, of course.
Skinny, smiling beautifully, long hair swishing left and right in tune with my pace. A fun, social butterfly fluttering into the beautiful blue sky as a group of people watch and admire.I visualize myself at Starbucks, schoolbook wide open at my table as I take a drink of my coffee. A strand of my hair falls onto my face and I gently push it back in place behind my ear. A boy stares at me from across the room, as I keep studying, not taking notice of his longing stare.
But if I don't start today, when will I reach my goal?
A guy likes me. He knows I have relationship issues because I've told him about my past boyfriend.
Here's our last chat 3 days ago:
Guy: So, I'll see you on Saturday? :)
Me: (After panicking) Aww... I'm going to sleep over at my friend's for a girl's only weekend trip.
Guy: u.u I wanted to see you...
Me: I have a really full agenda hahaha
Guy: Forget it.
I obviously made the trip thing up, so I couldn't see him. Why? I have no idea why I always act like that. Maybe because I feel like a failure?
"You wouldn't feel like failure if you were skinny."Thank you,
Mi querida, I used to think this way too, and I was obsessive. I've started regaining myself over the past 6 years via a long, hard path. However, it was also a rocky road that led me to my worst; I had to climb that same one in reverse to get out. I'm sorry to hear that you are becoming so enmeshed in ed thoughts. However, I'm hopeful because you are realising what's happening - you can take proactive steps! Try to not count the calories of one meal each day, or to skip weighing yourself every day. Show ana/mia/ed that YOU are in control, and that your body runs on your orders, not theirs. You can do it, dear. Xoxo
ResponderBorrarThank you so much for your kind words and the fact that you are regaining yourself :) Believe me, there are small times in which I don't worry about the calorie content in the things I put in my mouth. Those times, I feel like the fourteen year old me, smiling about insignificant things. But then she comes back, and I fall back into the thoughts. I don't see a me in the future without the ed thoughts. It seems so... unlikely.
ResponderBorrar